this might well count as sharing too much. my flatmate certainly thought so...
now, i have never really got why porn is supposed to be sexy. i have absolutely no problem with other people, including boyfriends, watching it. i'll even watch it with boyfriends, if they really want me to, but it's just never going to do the trick for me.

however, a while ago, i was out with the girls and everyone was very drunk. friend after friend was admitting to watching porn, and interestingly they were all saying that they preferred watching women to men, even though they were all straight girls who had never even kissed a girl (apart from one friend, who shrugged "i took a lot of drugs at university" when asked that).

so a couple of nights later, i was in bed working on my laptop. very prim and slightly dull flatmate was out, for once. i was bored. the bf of the time was away. i was fed up. but not tired. maybe it was time to give porn a shot. i plugged in my earphones, because the walls are thick here but my neighbour's bedroom is right next to mine, and googled some random shit. a few mins later and i was listening to two americans going on about each other's "titties". not hot. also, i could hardly hear them. i turned up the volume, not that i thought this would actually improve it. more banal shit. and i could still hardly hear them. i turned it up some more. watched a bit more. unimpressed. now they were naked and one of them was clearly sporting a really bad waxing rash. i turned the volume up again. at least i could hear them faking it now.

after a couple more minutes, i gave it up as being even duller than my work and pulled out the earplugs. and realised two things simultaneously. firstly, the toilet had just flushed. my flatmate was home. secondly... the fake cries of ahhh maaaah gaaaawwd were still ricocheting around my bedroom even though i had taken the earplugs out. i never knew two girls could scream quite that loudly. and they were so very very loud. because i had turned them up so much.

quick panicky investigation revealed that i had plugged the headphones into the wrong outlet port. without my ears slightly blocked with the earphones, the "dialogue" was horrifyingly crystal clear. i sat in bed and realised that i had just treated my neighbours and my flatmate to about - well, about 3 minutes of fake lesbian sex, but that is surely 3 minutes too much for anyone. except a 13 year old boy. maybe.

being a natural optimist, i decided against killing myself with embarrassment. perhaps, just perhaps, she hadn't heard anything. it really was only playing for a few minutes, and she had been in the bathroom, with running water, surely it was fine. brazen it out. brazen, brazen, brazen. so the following morning, i breezed past her with a brazen "morning! what time did you get home from work then?"

"oh," she said, avoiding my eyes. "you were in bed."

if you think you've seen a conversation be killed, you should have been in my kitchen that morning. it was deader than a dead thing on dead drugs. in deadsville. pretty much like my feelings for porn, really - i've never watched it since!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Mon 16 May 2011, 0:37, Reply)