Cupid stunt
This silly cow bordered on being so stupid it was illegal.

My phone had started playing up, occasionally dropping calls, resetting itself, crashing, or sometimes just disabling the microphone so whoever I called would hear nothing and think it was a dead line.

So, months overdue for an upgrade, I called up my mobile provider via the landline.

Me: "I'd like to upgrade my phone please."

Call Centre monkey (CCM): "Sorry sir, I'm afraid you need the account holder's permission."

Me: "I am the account holder."

CCM: "No, we have a female name listed as the account owner. You'll need to get the password from her."

At this point the Call Centre Monkey says that the account is in my sister's name, which is utter bollocks. But while I debate with the CCM I texted (the one function of the phone that still worked) my sister just to confirm, and I'm right, she has nothing to do with the account and there is no secret password.

Me: "No, this is my account, I've upgraded numerous times before and never had this problem."

CCM: "No sir, I'm afraid you can only upgrade if you give me your sister's password."

Me: "There is no password. My sister has nothing to do with this account. It's in my name. I pay the bill, and I have done for years using my own bank details. I've upgraded without any problem before. I have a broken phone and I want a replacement since I'm paying you every month anyway. My sister has nothing to do with this account. The details you hold on file about me and my account are wrong."

CCM: "Then I'm afraid you can only upgrade if you have your sister's password."

Me: "Then you've just lost a very longstanding customer. Close my account. I'm joining another network."

CCM: "Only your sister can close this account."

Me: "Fine, you can confirm that the payment details are mine, yes?


CCM: "Yes."

ME: "Good. Now remove me as the bill payer. If you're not giving me any service I'm not paying you."

CCM: "No sir you can't do that. Only the phone account holder can change the payment details. You need your sister to do this. The only way you can stop paying us is to tell your bank not to pay us anymore."

Me: "Fine. Then I'll do that."

CCM: "However, I should warn you that if you stop paying us we will have to take court action against you."

Me: "So what you're saying is, I must continue to pay you despite the fact that my contract ran out months ago. I can not stop paying you or I face legal action, and in return you will give me service that I can't use due to a broken phone. I am legally powerless to either get a new handset, or to stop paying you every month. You can just continue to take money from me for nothing from now until the end of time?"

CCM: "Yes sir, that's correct."

Me: " . . . . ."

I was actually speechless. I mean what the fuck do you say to that? The phone company are basically saying openly that intend to continue shafting me while sticking a grubby hand in my pocket and helping themselves to whatever they liked for the rest of my life. To say I was absolutely fucking livid would be a vast understatement.

Eventually I found my voice again

Me: "You do know it's illegal to take money from someone against their will, right?"

CCM: "What makes you say that?"

We went round in circles a couple of times. Each time she couldn't see why I was angry. All I could do was hang up before I got abusive.

The next morning I regained my composure, walked into the phone company's nearest branch. It went like this:

Me: "Hi, my phone's fucked, I need to upgrade."

Shop guy: "Certainly Subchimp, here's your new phone."

Five minutes later I'm out the door, problem solved.

Piece of piss! I even checked my own details on the guy's computer and yes, the account is in my name.

I know not all call centre monkeys are bad. I've got mates who've had to do some rotten jobs in some seriously overworked callcentre sweatshops and they could tell you some stories. You get some bright sparks, and some dumb cunts.

But some people really aren't even qualified to answer the fucking phone.
(Barry Subchimp, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 15:12, 2 replies)

I do hope they kept a recording of this.
If only to prove that they can treat their customers like utter dirt, and still keep their custom.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Wed 29 Feb 2012, 15:24, closed)

Your sister
pwned your ass.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Wed 29 Feb 2012, 21:41, closed)