sexy secretary
A few years back when I was a budding 21 year old student / drunkard I arranged to meet up with a friend of mine in a Hoxton pub one Friday night. Amongst the various media-types accompanying him on this drinking frenzy was his new secretary who had started working that Monday. She was 34.

Being a young scamp I had eyes only for ladies my own age, until that night. I drank, she drank, I looked at her, she looked at me.. To cut a long story short it ended with us completely butt naked, disgracefully drunk, vodka bottle in hand, getting jiggy on my friend's kitchen table, in a shared apartment.

I woke up grinning from ear to ear. Quite remarkably she did too! Mainly because she viewed me as a kind of 'toyboy', but something I nevertheless quite enjoyed. She invited me to spend the day with her, telling me she had a spare ticket for Man UTD vs Arsenal who were playing that day. ACE I thought.

We got on the tube and, still being rather drunk, didn't actually click that we weren't heading anywhere near the Arsenal ground until we were on a train heading out of London! She said she had to go home first to get the tickets. 'oh.. ok', I thought. Seemed plausible enough.

We pull into the station, a small town about an hour west of London. As we get into her car and drive precariously through the lanes I look over and realised I knew absolutely nothing about this woman. Why was I in a car going to her house? The match ticket just seemed odd, as did the fact she was rushing home to meet her 'housekeeper'. It was only upon reaching her house that the truth became blindingly clear. This was a housekeeper that also doubled as a babysitter, because she has TWO fucking kids! And not little babies either. A six year old girl (present) and ten year old boy (not present).

Studying the strained look in my eyes, she begins to stammer out another twist to his unfolding saga.. The football match story she'd used to coax me back to this family home wasn't for Man UTD vs Arsenal - it was for an under 10s football match which her son was playing in! "Oh." was about the only words I could summon up in my confused, hungover state.

As luck would have it we'd missed the match but I still had to sit in the front room and build a lego hospital with her daughter while she had a shower. As I attempted awkward conversations ("So.. you're six then?") I just couldn't get the image of her mum out of my head, cavorting around the apartment naked before pinning me down on the kitchen table like some wild sex-hungry animal. It was making me feel incredibly uncomfortable.

After a short while she came downstairs and said we had to go pick her son up. Somewhat relieved I left her daughter with the babysitter, grabbed my jacket and accompanied her to the football ground. Still rather freaked out by this whole situation I smiled uncomfortably as he got in the car and we made our way to... a greetings card shop. "Oh, we need to buy a card for the birthday party." 'What?' I gulped. "Oh, don't worry. We just have to drop him off. We don't need to go inside."

Yet again, this didn't turn out to be the full truth as we walked inside a noisy, riotous kids birthday party surrounded by dozens of parents, balloons, excited kids.. the whole lot. I'm literally terrified, and as I look around the room at 'fellow' parents I notice a strange smirk on her face. She was actually enjoying this. Not only that but she seemed to be, well.. showing me off, as a kind of trophy to her 30-odd year old parent friends. An intensely bizarre cocktail of feelings I can assure you. Was I angry? Frustrated? Surely I should be flattered. Whatever it was, I wanted the hell out of there and fast! My sweating and nervous twitching ensured this and we went back to hers where we fell asleep for a few hours.

Despite swapping numbers we never met again. That was a window inside a world I never ever want to be a part of again and which, subsequently, meant all future conquests were to receive full police-style interrogation before anything further could possibly happen.
(BeardyMat, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 0:16, 5 replies)

Yikes

( Grokthought wouldn't pay that for Chinese 5-Spice, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 3:20, closed)

What a mind-fuck!
Hooooolleeeey crap. I'll bet she wrapped herself around you as she fingered your lapel or played with your hair, introducing you to those friends.

At least, that's how I pictured it, reading your beautifully-written and sphincter-clenching story. And you, sir, owe me a big heaping pile'o'mindbleach.
(Angie the Redneck Wonder, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 8:31, closed)

on the plus side
... you got to play with some lego for a while.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:26, closed)

ha ha ha ha :D
Some people can always see the silver lining! Top story, ^top comment!^
( The magic of chutney Shakes it like an Instagram filter!, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 12:12, closed)

This
was terrifyingly written. Kudos and *click*
(LLamaBoy skived off work on, Tue 9 Dec 2008, 10:38, closed)