Sod it - can't wait 'til Thursday
Max Krugland. Sounded like a very cheap action hero or the assistant to Doc Savage: Man of Bronze. In reality, he was a deeply tanned, blond-haired, blue-eyed South African who stood a fair six foot seven in his socks, and he was the security officer at Freeman Hardy Willis.

The 'Krug', as he was known, was also one for the ladies. Much younger ladies.

I was the store's assistant manager at the time; the manager was Danny, who was but a few years older. We spent plenty of time drinking together and became firm friends. Of course, being single and in our early twenties, we took great delight in hiring young bits of fluff from the local sixth-form and kitting them out in the tight black skirts that were the shop uniform. It gave myself and the manager something to ogle while sorting through mounds of till receipts and stock orders.

Meantime, The Krug was ushering the pretty, naive young flowers into his own personal stockroom - I recall we had set him in charge of the canvas-topped light sports trainers which were so in fashion around the Millennium - and deflowering them with all his orangey Bloemfontein might. There was many a girl came into FHW as a shy young teenager and left with red cheeks (all of them, quite possibly) and an irresistable fit of the giggles.

Late one August morning, Danny rang me in a panic:

"Ousgg, can you get down the police station?"

Cripes, I thought - we've been broken into.

If only it was so simple. It turned out that, rather than require me to stocktake after a burglary, Danny needed a bit of a character reference. Apparently, he and Max had got to chatting in the shop after closing time, and in between the many tales of young conquest, Max had offered Danny one of his 'special' ciggies.

Ten minutes later, they were both stretched out on the shop floor in a cannabis-induced haze, when PC Twunt had tapped on the window and hauled them both down the station.

Apparently, both had subsequently undergone some fairly unpleasant cavity searches. Danny, thankfully, had come up clean, but the bobbies had found three Ecstasy tablets on the person of Max. He could stuff it, as far as I cared, and good luck to him - I was looking forward to him being deported and getting my hands on the teenage norks myself. I managed to bail Danny out in short order and we fled, leaving The Krug in the cells.

Next day at work saw no Danny, no Max, and an unpleasant call from the central office:

Them: "We have received a rather disconcerting report from your local police."

Me: "U-huh"

"You do realise that it's Freeman Hardy Willis policy to discontinue immediately the employment of anyone caught using illegal drugs on the premises"

"Of course"

"And we are asking you, as assistant manager, to request that Danny Lastname and Max Krugland do not come into work for the foreseeable future. They will receive their termination notices through the post."

"Of course. I will tell them that"

"The Police have informed us that they were both in possession of cannabis and 'another drug'. For the completeness of our records, do you know what the other drug was?"

"Y...yes. I do"

"Would you mind telling us?"

"Well..." and I paused. "...this won't affect my job, will it?"

"Of course not. It's just so that they get a full briefing of why they're dismissed"

"That's OK then," I said...


...Krug, our sandshoe guard, had E's"

Hull. Me. Train. I know.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 19:36, 6 replies)

Pooflake will pick up the gauntlet I'm sure.
Sends out the Pooflake sign into the sky.
( girlinthehole, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 19:44, closed)

Whichever way you think about it...
That's not an attractive sign, is it?
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 19:49, closed)

What's unattractive about a silhouette of a gay man standing by a pond?
.
( girlinthehole, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 19:59, closed)

Ah...
I was thinking of the eastern branch of an Irish bullet-ridden Post Office.

PO O'Flak, E.

Golly. I need to stop this. It hurts.
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Wed 10 Dec 2008, 20:15, closed)

*Jumps in like a fat, shite, gay-pond esque supervillain...
erm...


I'm way too drunk to think of a pun right now...but it's nearly Thursday...and then...


MWAHHHAHHAHAAAAAAAA


God help you all!

*rubs hands together*

*goes to bed*

EDIT - fucking brilliant pun btw - *clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 10 Dec 2008, 23:22, closed)

Credit from the master himself!
I know it's a bit sad and lonely, but I actually genuinely appreciate that...
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 11 Dec 2008, 7:18, closed)