Hotel Dover
There was a hotel I stayed at in Dover about five years ago. I can't remember what it was called, but it did have a delightful view of the container lorries queueing at the entrance to the ferry port.

I'm not going to list everything that went wrong, or I'll be here all day. Over the course of the stay we suffered:

1) No hot water on many occasions;
2) Complete lighting failure - although at least the room seemed less grubby when you could't actually see anything;
3) Numerous mornings with no breakfast on account of the cook not turning up;
4) Toilet door handle that jammed during the night when I was desperate - hope nobody used the wash basin in the adjacent room until it was thoroughly cleaned!

To top it all off, we were not given any front door keys, but were informed that the doors were not locked until midnight. Since the pubs all shut at 11pm back then, this would not have been a problem.

Unfortunately when we came rolling back drunk at 11:00 on the first night, the doors had actually been locked already. After much hammering on the door, a member of hotel staff appeared who looked and sounded alarmingly like Manuel of Fawlty Towers fame. "Issa no my fault, sí?"

On the bright side, we complained bitterly on the last morning and got the bill reduced to half price.

Length joke: Five nights I'm afraid.
(llama patrol, Fri 18 Jan 2008, 9:33, Reply)