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This is a question Hotel Splendido

Enzyme writes, "what about awful hotels, B&Bs, or friends' houses where you've had no choice but to stay the night?"

What, the place in Oxford that had the mattresses encased in plastic (crinkly noises all night), the place in Blackpool where the night manager would drum to the music on his ipod on the corridor walls as he did his rounds, or the place in Lancaster where the two single beds(!) collapsed through metal fatigue?

Add your crappy hotel experiences to our list.

(, Thu 17 Jan 2008, 16:05)
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Get The Fuck Up!!
I used to work in an hotel as a nightporter/bar-bloke/thief and lazy-arse so to be honest i could fill this QOTW with stories about bad experiences for the "customers" in my hotel but one particularly sticks in my mind.

Hotels=all night bar, so many times we'd have some fairly pissed people around the place. One time there was a rugby club in, not a famous one (maybe they were, i know nothing about rugby) and yes they stayed up untill 4/5 singing strange chants and acting quite gay (i know enough about rugby to know this is normal) by showing each other how many 10p pieces they could hold under their foreskins. Generally acting like the latent queens we all know rugby players to be. After they'd retired to bed i found one!! Passed out in a corridor! No surprise. What was surprising was that i couldn't wake him up (no, he was still alive, that's a different story) and that he'd tried to get undressed on his way to his room, clothes all over the place.. So after a few minutes of shaking him and checking his breathing i decided to position him holding a sign saying "HuNGry and HomeLess, Please HElP" and take photos. After tiring of this i got a felt tip (permanent of course) and drew a nice big knob on his head, hoping that he'd assume it was his mates. Still not tiring of abusing him i then nicked his clothes, the ones he'd removed that is, i didn't actually strip him!!

Then my bleeper went off and i had to attend to some trivial thing that is essential to making hotels work at night, yes, i went and had a smoke with the other night porter. Totally forgetting this guy was up there (kids, winners don't smoke weed).

An hour later a little old lady came to reception (up early to walk her pooch) and informed my boss of "a man asleep in the hotel". After the initial confusion, "it IS a hotel Madam, people do sleep here!" He went to investigate, finally returning with the aforementioned rugby player, still heartily drunk, wearing his briefs and a torn shirt, felt tip cock resplendant on his head, clutching his little sign, to the reception area, to find out what room he was supposed to be in, just as breakfast service starts!!

That must have been a pretty bad hotel experience, I think I still have his club tie somewhere...

Length? About 40 pence...
(, Sun 20 Jan 2008, 12:02, 2 replies)
And relax.
Sir, you are a genius. As someone who deals with the public on a day to day basis, many of whom deserve revenge to be taken on them, you have in one story satisfied my pent-up desires to 'get someone.'

Thank you.

And what IS it about rugby players?
(, Sun 20 Jan 2008, 13:49, closed)
When was this? Because old 10p coins were quite big...
(, Sun 20 Jan 2008, 14:40, closed)

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