A sexual deviant, the vinegar stroke, and the phantom underpants.
3 for 1 special today...

First up, I was about 6 or 7 and in primary school. Somehow, I don't remember how, I had managed to dress myself by forgetting to put underpants on under my trousers. Going commando wasn't so bad, until I remembered it was PE that day.

Oh bugger.

In those days, there was no such thing as changing rooms, and everyone got changed in the classroom. So I made sure to try and hide my shame as best I could by crouching a little so the tables blocked the view of my little soldier.

Success! I got into my PE kit with no-one the wiser. If only I had been so lucky when changing back into my school uniform. Just at the point where I try and make a quick drop of the shorts and whip on the trousers, a girl calls out at the top of her voice "Miss! David's got no knickers on!". And everyone looked at me sheepishly trying not to wave my wang at the room.

So began my sexual deviancy...

Fast forward a year or three, and now I'm discovering girls. Still not quite sure what I'd do if I ever caught one, but I was determined to find out. I had a crush on my classmate Joanna. So, starting at the beginning, I asked her if she wanted to be my special little lady. No dice. So I decided persistence was more important than her actually liking me. I asked her out several times. I tried to be her friend. I generally hung around like a bad smell, until one day I get dragged out of class by the headmistress. It seems Jo's mother had written to the school complaining that I was sexually harassing Jo and could they please put a stop to the dirty little fucker's antics. I may be paraphrasing slightly.

So cut to the chase - I had to stand up in front of the entire class and publicly apologize for sexually harassing Joanna and promise to leave her alone from now on. Yay, not even 10 and I'm a sex offender!

Fast forward many years, and after the trauma of being a sex offender in shorts wore off, I discovered - perhaps shockingly - that I still liked girls. I'm on a date with this girl that I like, and we go to an American themed diner. Our food arrives, and I grab the vinegar bottle and unscrew the top. I pour some on my chips, only to find it's not a screw top. It's a flip-top, and it's also now half empty, because the other half is all over may plate and a little over the table too. I look around, and every single bottle of vinegar has a big yellow label on it that says "note: this is not a screw-top bottle" - except for mine.

In classic reserved British wuss style, I decide not to ask for another plate, and eat my cajun-spiced vinegar chicken with spicy vinegar fries. Yummy.


Length? Width? Height? It doesn't matter to me, I was a sex offender before I hit puberty.
( Damocles wants no part of your debauchery, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 19:57, 3 replies)

Go David!
I bet you never forget to wear your knickers now!

Edit: my mate once poured lashings of sugar all over his cod and chips while out with work mates... He too said nothing and munched away...
(aroe_m0rre, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 21:37, closed)

Best. Title. Ever.
that is all.
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Fri 28 Nov 2008, 9:51, closed)

^^
Beat me to it.
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 21:59, closed)