Kevin
While Mrs. ScousersPet was still a student, I nipped up to visit her for the weekend. She shared a flat with a nice, kinda gothy girl, who I will call B to protect the innocent.

On the Saturday night, the three of us were all heading out to go to the local rock club (Jilly's for anyone who cares) and, in true student fashion, we all got pissed on cheap, fizzy trampagne.

While we were necking Bargain Booze's finest, the subject of shagging inevitably reared it's slightly moist head. B decided to tell us why she had just split up with he fella of three months, Kevin. She went into great detail about how Kevin really wasn't very tallented in the trouser and how he was crap in bed. It turned out that, in the three months they had been at it, he'd never once made it more than 20 seconds before "arriving" and, during that time, he had done nothing to get B to "arrive" either. So he got The Spanish Archer.

We all had a great laugh about this and made many a witty and cutting remark. Continuing our giggling derision the whole way into town.

We stopped at a pub along the way and a few more ales were quaffed. After being there for half an hour or so, a lad came over and started talking to B. They were chatting for a bit when he looked at me and said to B "who's this?"

B said "This is Mr. Mrs. ScousersPet. ScousersPet, this" and she paused for effect that this point "is Kevin"

Beer came out my nose. I passed it off as a cough. I tried to hold a conversation, but kept giggling. I could see he was getting irate and the inevitable "what are you laughing at?" question came up.

I knew this was coming so had planned a list of plausible andswers - everything from dodgy brown acid to having recently watched that episode of Only Fools And Horses where Del falls through the bar. It was all in hand, no feeling would be hurt in the making of this story.

So I said "I hear you've got a small cock and are shit in bed". Before clamping a hand over my mouth in shock.

He just went red and walked away.

I still wince at the thought of the look on his face.
(ScousersPet, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:27, 1 reply)

If it's any consellation
I'm sure he's ok. There are a lot of women who appreciate a quick deposit so they can crack one off. Apparantly.

A female friend has got it down to 8 seconds, and won a prize for it no less!

The formular is quite complex but it involves the time it takes the kids go to bed, the amount of subsequent alchohol/jazz cigarettes consumed before bed time, the time you need to get up at to catch the 6:35 to Waterloo and of course the lunar cycle. But after averaging it out, it seems 20 seconds is around the optimum duration before splurge (after at least 5 minutes and 40 seconds foreplay that is).

Conversely, women who want longer have either watched too much porno and/or haven't practiced hard enough.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Tue 2 Dec 2008, 14:45, closed)