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This is a question Join us... come join the cult

A friend of mine recently floored me with the admission that he'd spent several years in Eastern Europe with the Moonies. And he seemed so normal. Have you or your mates disappeared into a cult? Now that the brain-washing has worn off, tell us all about it.

(, Thu 26 Jan 2006, 17:46)
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The Holy Book of the Dust Mite Spirit! (upon examination, FUCK this is long... I was some crazy kid. ...well actually this happened last year. ...shutup.)
Chapter One: Spontaneous Generation
1. In the Beginning, there was Dust. And the Dust grew in it Mites, and Thence formed the Dust Mite Spirit. And un-noticed it went as the dust sprouted other forms of life, doing battle with the dreaded Demons of the Vacuum. But soon a race called Humanity arose from the Dust, and were manipulated by the Demons of the Vacuum to creat Corporeal Forms called Vacuum Cleaners. And Yea! War was waged upon the Dust Mites!

2. And the Dust Mite Spirit Chose a Human to be its Messenger, and defeat the Demons of the Vacuum!

3. And Lo! Jennifer bent down to pick up a coin dropped by Shelly the Precipitator from the Dust, and the Dust brought forth a Sign.

4. And Jennifer spake “What is this piece of paper?” And Lo! It was a Photograph depicting Cassandra, who went to Jennifer’s primary school, and bore the Name of a Human Oracle.

5. And Maggie the First Apostle cried “It is a Sign! The Dust Mite Spirit hath Chosen! All hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One!”

6. And Maggie took it as her Task to Protect the Chosen One from the Demons of the Vacuum, and to spread the Word to the Masses in her absence! And Jennifer went forth to speak to Class Five and beg the Aid of other spirits in Defeating the Demons of the Vacuum, and Maggie went forth to speak to Class Four and convert the Heathens!

Chapter Two: The Apostle to Class Four

1. And Maggie spake to the masses “All hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One!” And the masses Looked at her Funny and spake “…what?”

2. And the Dust Mite Spirit sent Maggie a Sign in the form of Paper, and Maggie took up The Scissors of Decoration and cut the Paper and made Jennifer a Crown, and fastened it with Sticky Tape. And Ruxi, the First Convert, sacrificed an “I’m Cool At School” sticker and pasted it onto the Crown of the Chosen One.

3. And Angela, Messenger of the Algae Spirit, raised an Eyebrow and spake thusly: “HA-ching! Can you be normal?!”

4. But the demons of the Vacuum were Displeased, and they conspired to reach into Maggies heart and Yea! They Tempted her. And Maggie did take up the Crown of the Chosen One, and she Placed it upon her Head.

5. And the Dust Mite Spirit came unto her and spake “Maggie! Heed not the Voice of the Demons, for they Tempt you from the Path of the Dust! For thy Misdisgretion thou art condemned to use the Vacuum Cleaner, yea! Even for as long as Thou Art under thy Parents Roof!

6. And Maggie felt remorse, and she removed the Crown. But the Demons were not finished, and they searched the hearts of those around Maggie.

7. And they tested Ruxi, the First Convert, but found her indifferent, and they tested Angela, Messenger of the Algae Spirit, but found her defiant, and they tested Diana, and she welcomed them, and made her heart a Vacuum to let them in.

8. And the Demons of the Vacuum made Diana their messenger, and played upon the Envy in her Heart, and she reached for the Crown, saying “I wish to put it on!” But Yea! Maggie was Strong, and she held the Crown out of the reach of Diana. And Maggie hid the Crown from Diana.

9. And the Dust Mite Spirit rewarded her, and gave her a High Destinction in the Australian Geography Competition.

Chapter Three: Jennifer Asks for the Aid of the Other Spirits.

1. In the First and Second Periods, Jennifer approached the realm of the English Spirit, but alas! The Minion Lidster thundered about the Essay and the Multi, and the Followers of the Dust Mite Spirit experienced Mighty Persecution, and the English Spirit refused alliance with the Dust Mite Spirit.

2. In the Third Period, The Chosen One embarked upon a Great Journey with Grace, the Second Apostle. And the Journey was Successful, and they returned to the Realm of the Science Spirit where Jennifer performed Miracles to show the Greatness of the Dust Mite Spirit, but the Skeptics jeered and showed they could do the same with Science Chemicals. And Jennifer was Disappointed, and the Science Spirit remained aloof.

3. In the Recess and the Fourth and Fifth Periods, Jennifer was caught up in a Rapture of the Dust Mite spirit and returned to the Waking World with no memory of that time, and the Math Spirit showed itself Not.

4. In the Lunch Period, Jennifer received the Offering of Sandra, the Second Convert, in the form of Raisin Bread, and Yea! The Raisin Bread contained Butter and Chips! And the Chosen One pronounced it Weird.

5. In the Sixth Period, Jennifer appealed to the Japanese Spirit. And the Spirit sent her a Sign in the form of Monkey Love, and there was a Time of Silence, and Yea! The Japanese Spirit allied itself with the Dust Mite Spirit!

6. In the Seventh Period, the Demons of the Vacuum pursued Jennifer, and Verily! She Afeared! But Lo! Diana the Protectress offered the Chosen One her Name in exchange for Jennifer, and it was Done, and the Demons were Fooled, and thought Jennifer was Diana their Own Messenger from Class Four.

7. In the Eighth Period, The Chosen One Appealed to the HSIE Spirit, but the Minion Brennan silenced her with the Reading of the Roll, and Lo! This went on for most of the Period. And Yea! Jennifer rearranged the Hair of Sandra the Second Convert to better suit the Aesthetics of the Dust Mite Spirit, and the Minion Brennan was Displeased, and the HSIE Spirit refused Alliance with the Dust Mite spirit.

Chapter Four: The Domain of the Bus

1. Lo! School was Over, and the Chosen One and her First Apostle and Scribe met up in the Realm of the Lockers to recount their Experiences of Preaching to the Masses.

2. But verily! The Demons of the Vacuum Possessed Nicky, and caused her to Chase Jennifer through the Hall, and Maggie the Scribe was Left Behind.

3. So the First Apostle exerted her Holy Powers of the Dust, and the Demons of the Vacuum left Nicky, and the Chosen One was Safe.

4. And the Chosen One, the Scribe and the Precipitator Left the School. In crossing the Domain of the Traffic Spirit they were joined by Jenny the Junior, who saw Maggies Book of The Dust Mite Spirit and spake thusly “What is that you have there?”

5. And Maggie Allowed her to Read the Book, and Jenny recorded her Email address on a Spare Page.

6. And they all entered the Realm of the Bus Spirit, where Shelly did Forsake them for Aaron the Love Interest.

7. And Jennifer and Jenny both drew Anime People on the Spare Page, and Lo! The Dust Mite Spirit saw that they were Good.

8. And Maggie removed the crown from her Bag, and Lo! It was only Slightly Dented.

9. And Maggie placed the Crown upon Jennifer’s Head.

And thus began the Cult of the Dust Mite Spirit! Please send all fanmail and applications to [email protected], for Lo! That is the address of the Internet Domain of the Dust Mite Spirit!* Thank ye and please Spread the Word! Go Forth to the Masses and Sayeth “All Hail Jennifer, for she is the Chosen One of the Dust Mite Spirit!” For the spirit of Humour is Pleased when People give Other People Funny Looks. Well, okay, I am.

*Disclaimer: email may or may not be nonexistent. Oh, right, and so may the Dust Mite Spirit. But hey, you never know, right? :nosetap:
(, Sun 29 Jan 2006, 15:03, Reply)

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