The Drunk
He isn't necessarily the worst customer, the pub drunk.

Indeed, so drunk is he that he's practically harmless; sat atop his perch, coins piled before him and the same pint glass to last throughout the afternoon and into the evening.

You know what his drink is; it's the same one each day; the strongest lager on tap, which will be constantly quaffed from arrival till exit.

"Put one in for yourself" he'd manage after you pour his first. The last intelligible thing to come from his mouth until the next day.

"Aarrghrafable, plashticised knob flem" would be the next 'words' you'd hear from his face.

"Yes you drunk old fucker" you'd politely reply, before scooping up another pile of coins and depositing a fresh pint into his glass.

But he's worse than all the other punters, in so many ways:

- They're far less likely to need carrying to the taxi you call for them each evening.

- They aren't so inclined to leave a puddle of piss at the foot of their bar stool.

- They won't collapse face-wise onto the bar, smashing their pint glass and leaving you yet another mess to mop up.

- And unlike the other piss heads, your boss won't agree with you when you refuse to serve him: "He's harmless" the boss would exclaim. "He's killing himself" you argue. "Just fucking serve him or leave" would come the ultimatum. "Fine you clean up the piss today then" you mutter, knowing precisely who the task will fall to, again.

I doubt you're still alive, and I can't remember your name, but then I never understood it either: "Daaaabbisissccid" really isn't a name I've come across before or since, you stupid old drunk bastard.
( Moey, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 11:56, 3 replies)

plashticised knob flem
is the funniest thing i've heard all morning!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 12:37, closed)

Sounds a classy sort of cafe-bar,
that you work in :)
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Fri 5 Sep 2008, 15:52, closed)

Fortunately

I haven't worked there for many years.

But classy isn't a word that sits comfortably in a description of the place.

Words such as hole, foetid, infested & dangerous are far more applicable.
( Moey, Fri 5 Sep 2008, 16:43, closed)