Hello planning department, how may I help?
I work for the planning department at the Council as a development control officer. Basically, I deal with planning applications. These range from a small extension on the back of someone's house to a fuck off great big 47 storey building (and everything in between) so come into contact with all sorts of 'customers'. Here are a few examples.

1. The little old lady.

N.B. Old people always begin a conversation with how old they are, as if that's going to make a difference.

Me: Good afternoon, planning.
LOL: I'm 95 years old, and last night the brook flooded and sewage has come into my garage and got into my cinema organ. Can you come and clean it up?
Me: Erm, this is the planning department, I think you need someone in Waste Management. Can I put you through?
LOL: You're the Council aren't you?
Me: Yes.
LOL: So when are you coming round?
Me: I won't be coming round, but let me put you through to Waste Management.
LOL: Why not? I've got sewage in my cinema organ. It needs cleaning up.
Me: But we're the planning department...

Ad infinitum until she finally grasped that a planning officer was not going to personally come round and sweep shit out of her cinema organ! This is an absolutely true example and possibly the wierdest phone call I have ever had.

2. The 'I know my rights solicitor'.

These people always announce they are solicitors and then proceed to tell you quite how much they know about planning law. Inevitably, they know absolutely fuck all.

There was Mr McFuckwit, who decided that we hadn't told him specifically that a particular development was going to house people with mental illness, criminal records, etc, even though the description of development was 'Erection of 20 start up flats for the recently homeless' and all the supporting information with the application told him where they were going to be referred from. This was apparently 'against the law'. I know, a good description of development would be, 'Erection of 20 start up flats for the recently homeless, criminals, mentalists, and other undesirables.' FFS. I took particular offence as I was suffering from mental illness myself at the time. He complained to the Local Government Ombudsman (Axeman Jim's equivalent had to write the letter) but was told roundly to fuck off.

Another example was the guy who told me that if whilst next door's extension was being built it fell on his children, he would sue me. He was a solicitor you know, and knew the law. If he knew the law that well he would know that (a) planning has nothing to do with the structural stability of an extension and (b) he couldn't sue me personally anyway, only the Council (who wouldn't be responsible for an extension falling down in any case).

3. Tell me where my boundaries are!! Now!

Someone has just fallen out with their neighbours because their fence has been moved 3 inches their way. The Council _must_ know where their boundaries are, surely. We hold information on everything. No. I have no idea where your boundaries are, nor do I give a fuck about your petty squabbles with your neighbour. So, who do I consult, they ask. A solicitor. But, they whinge, that costs money. I must know the answer, I work for the Council. In ever decreasing circles until they put the phone down or I can, as soon as they swear.

I have exactly the same arguments about the position of people's drains. I don't know and I don't care.

4. You're killing my children.

Normally, this involves the erection of mobile phone base stations which are apparently going to give all their children cancer. Bollocks. Normally, they phone me from their fucking mobiles to complain.

My favourite however was this one:-

Me: Hello, planning department.
Fuckwit: How dare you propose a mobile phone mast near our house (for near, read about 200m and for 'you' read 'mobile phone operator'. I'm always personally responsible for allowing people to make applications though, apparently).
Me: The application is under consideration blah blah.
Fuckwit: Where exactly is it going?
Me: Next to the other one.
Fuckwit: What other one?!? *explodes with rage*
Me: The other one, that has been there since 1998. And if you didn't know that was there, and haven't managed to notice it in the last 10 years, this is hardly going to be a blot on the landscape either is it.
Fuckwit: *puts phone down*

My other favourite was the guy who got really upset about a window in an extension which would overlook his garden (from quite a distance however). This was because he had a 2 year old daughter, who played in the garden, and a peadophile might have moved into the house with the extension. He was absolutely obsessed about this eventuality and I worried for his sanity.

5. You've made my wife ill

Inevitably, if someone doesn't like the proposals for something, it makes their wife ill with the worry. All I can say to that, is, if that's the most you ever have to worry about, then you're a very lucky person indeed.

6. Tescos are cunts. I gave up two years of my life fighting them. That is all.

I used to work at Sainsbury's on the customer service desk as well. I'm not sure which provided the greater pool of fuckwittery.

Length? Metric scale only.
(grandmaswhiskers, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 19:34, 4 replies)

The cell phone tower built in 98 was my favorite of your list
quick thinking you.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:12, closed)

"You're killing my children"
Colleague of mine was co-erced into demonstrating the principles of cellphone use to a bunch of baying yokels in some province where that was the battle cry.

She asked them how many of them had cellphones, & *amazingly* every single one of them did.

Obviously no demand for a service whatsoever in that case then.

Twats.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:31, closed)

Planning, how may I help?
I've just started working in a planning dept as well and on my first morning of listening in on the fone calls we had a gentleman telling us he didn't care that one of his neighbours was planning on building an extension but was rather pleased, as a gay man, to be receiving notification of a new erection in the area...

And just what is it with everyone being disabled? I don't want my neighbours putting in a dormer window as I'm disabled etc?!!

But still it's better than the meniality of convenience stores...
(komodo128, Sun 7 Sep 2008, 21:36, closed)

^
'new erection'
*giggles*
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Sun 7 Sep 2008, 22:05, closed)