Tramp-woman
Working in a pub one mid-week evening and a regular drinker come in with a rough looking woman in tow. He walks upto me and asks for two drinks; he also whispers that he'll keep an eye on her. I glance at her and see she's looking a bit worse for wear, but she's keeping quiet so I don't mind. The bloke himself was basically Mr Bean in glasses and we've never seen him with a woman before so I just ask him to keep her in check and there won't be a problem.
After 5-10 minutes they start arguing by a table opposite the bar, then Mr Bean gets up and walks out leaving her there. Cheers mate. I go over to the table just as the land-lady is walking past.
"Who the fuck is this in my pub?" she says, pointing at tramp-woman.
"Someone I'm about to eject" says I.
As I say that, tramp-woman shakes the sleeve of her fleece and out pops a can of Lighter Fluid. She sticks it in her gob, takes in a deep breath and half-flakes out on her chair. Me and me boss are both a bit gobsmacked by this (not as gobsmacked as tramp-woman though), and turn our attention to getting her the fuck out of our pub.
"Cmon love, get up and out please...." - we grab an arm each and lift her up. Tramp-woman sees that something's happening and looks at me smiling, then leans in for a snog.
"Oh fuck no.....ewwwwwwwwwwwww!" I leave go of her and she slumps back in the chair, and the boss leaves go to piss herself laughing.
Tramp-woman then starts trying to talk.
"Whu....wha...where is he?? WHERE IS HE!?!?!"
Me, quick as some flashy quick thing; "He's outside waiting for you love, cmon, he just called you."
"Ok...." She gets up and stumbles to the front door. She turns right and I shout out "He went left!" She smiles that hideous lighter fluid-sponsored smile and stumbles off to the left, never to return. I dunno if he went left, I was just fucking about, hope he did. Never saw him again after that, most probs too embarrased to bring his dates there.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 8:59, 1 reply)

'It's like I'm walking on sunshine!'

(Stu Moo winner of five nobble piece prizes, Tue 9 Sep 2008, 13:12, closed)