In hindsight, joining this research department was a mistake.
From: (redacted)
To: (redacted)
CC: (redacted)
_________________________________________________

Dear (redacted)
Thankyou for your interest in the development of the 29- series of Mechadildonic Autostimulation Devices. Unfortunately, we are unlikely to be offering this product for public retail at any point in the future.
For more details, allow me to furnish you with a brief overview of the development process.

Following the success of the 18- series, development for the 29- series began in early (redacted). The 29A prototype was fitted with improved hormone level sensors, fibre-optic stress gauge wiring, moan-responsive real-time pounding-calibrators and over 1500 sq. cm of nano-servos based on the earlier models, but with a 28% response sensitivity improvement.
However, after fitting the processors, the 29A completely failed to operate in the first mechanical testing cycles. Comprehensive examination and reconstruction failed to locate any mechanical faults. Our colleague (redacted) from Pyschological Heuristics Analysis (Gusset Division), initially retained on a casual basis for what we deemed would be likely future problems, suggested that we rename the representational system used in our processors to 'Received calculations' rather than 'floating point operations' per second.

Once the 29A mechadildo operated on 'megaRecTions' rather than 'megaFlops', everything proceeded smoothly even though the technical specifications were identical in every way. We were mystified, but our colleagues in PsHAGD are prone to this sort of insight.

We then proceeded to beta testing, which was an absolute disaster from beginning to end.

29B and -C were quickly shelved after the initial testing runs resulted in five of the female test subjects (hardened pornstars who were no stranger to a solid helping of relentless cock - I love the research phase of my job sometimes) being reduced to quivering puddles of liquid in a single afternoon. As well as Maria from the post room (thank god for indemnity!).
In line with their contracts, we retained the remains of the women for the full 42-day period for further testing. We found that not only had they each suffered a reduction to between .69 - .78 of their original weights (the remaining mass is still completely unaccounted for) but, based on what we could glean from their remaining nervous systems and chemical balances, were still orgasming when they were buried up to 34 days later.

After scaling back the intensity on the 29D, that model was quickly scrapped under floods of requests for a certain system upgrade. The 29D was now operating at approximately 200gigafucks, but according to many of the female subjects it lacked an 'alternate provision method'. A 'rear differential' was swiftly designed and fitted to the 29E model, resulting in models 29E to 29P (save for 29L) going missing, which we duly noted down as 'natural research wastage'.

29L was a special case. Attrition among our test subjects was still unacceptably high, so we procured a modified Omega Fuckbot ('Gasma') in the hope that it would serve all our testing needs. Unfortunately, upon application of 29L, Omega-Gasma became locked into an unbreakable feedback loop. The outlay on the now-useless Fuckbot put our funding in extreme jeopardy, as did the loss of our most advanced model. Fortunately, both problems were solved when a major American power company bought the incessantly-humping robo-shaggist for an exorbitant sum.
I believe it now powers half the Eastern Seaboard.

The series underwent further refinement through cycles 29Q to 29U, despite three of our researchers suffering orgasm-poisoning-by-proxy due to spending too long in the same room as the active models.
29V was deactivated when it apparently went in the huff at its test subject, the woman having been previously engaged in testing 29C (one of the two survivors).

29W was proceeding towards final-stage public availability when the previously tentative interest from the Ministry of Defence hardened and solidified, and we were forcefully taken over against our will. The entire project is now MoD property and further development is classified. The junior staff have been jettisoned, but myself and eight of the senior researchers have been retained.

I hope this helps with your query. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go retrieve my wife. She's promised me she'll try to leave the bedroom and spend time with me one day out of every seven.

Sincerely,
(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Sun 26 Sep 2010, 23:11, 2 replies)

Not only do I not know what you were thinking
I don't know what to think...
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 4:12, closed)

You could try thinking I'm insane, that would probably work for you.

(Falstaff's Spiritual Successor, Mon 27 Sep 2010, 11:02, closed)