Christmas 1999
I was in China. I believe Christmas was a weekend that year and the school where I lived was closed down. Of course, there's no religion allowed in China, and even if there was, they wouldn't celebrrate Xmas just to be contrary little bastards.

The result: I spent Christmas Day and Boxing Day alone in my small room with no TV and no music and no internet. I had learned not to venture out into the tiny town because crowds of people would gather to stare at me/poke with sticks/try to touch my hair like I was some kind of freak. How to entertain yourself under such circumstances?

1) Play football with an orange until it disintegrates.
2) Masturbate until it hurts.
3) Eat three packets of Oreo cookies with jasmine tea.
4) Try for the 25th time to read Crime and Punishment and give up because it's dull as shit.
5) Put the one Christmas card I've received on my desk as a festive 'display'.
6) Dress up in different varieties of clothes. Then all of them to see if it's possible.
7) Lie motionless on the bed and try to stop my heart as in "Our Man Flint."
8) Wonder why none of my Chinese colleagues seem to have no inkling that their foreign 'guest' is sitting on his own in a room for two days on the most important family holiday in the west. And realise that they daren't celebrate with me because they'll be grassed up by some commie fanatic from their own office and be sent off to Tibet for fraternising with the imperialistic degenerate.

It was Roger Moore I missed the most.
(frankspencer, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 14:38, 6 replies)

That made me feel sad.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 14:41, closed)

Desperate times indeed.
So how many times did you crack one off in 2 days?

Could this be another QOTW?
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Mon 19 Nov 2007, 14:46, closed)

If you had been in a film (Richard Curtis-esque)
Your colleagues would have done their best to give you a western style christmas, the villagers would have made you an honourary villager and put up home made decorations, and the girl of your dreams who you thought was back home would have made a surprise appearence. It would be one of the happiest memories of your life.

Damn reality.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 14:49, closed)

Chickenlady
Imagine how I felt. But I'd rather be in China alone than in a Richard Curtis-scripted film.
(frankspencer, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 14:58, closed)

.
They thought you were some kind of freak? How absurd.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 15:14, closed)

Frank, darling
I'm entirely with you on that one.
China alone is an infinitely better prospect than even watching a Richard Curtis epic that being in one.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Mon 19 Nov 2007, 16:42, closed)