Desperate TimesStranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.
Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.
What have you done in times of great desperation?
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Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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Recently ....... I partook of a large luncheon of goat and lentil vindaloo in a locally run restaurant, washed down with a couple of pints of "Scruttocks Old Faithful" real ale.
Over the afternoon, several ominous rumblings came from the direction of my colon but I thought nothing more of it.
On the way home, the rumblings became more sinister, and one trouser cough too far, I soiled my underwear with a couple of square inches of sticky, foul smelling effluent.
I drove, dear reader, like the proverbial wind for the final 5 miles to my house, and - clutching my hands to my posterior as though it might fall off - I ran hot foot, like a paedophile away from an estate full of angry daily mail readers, into the toilet.
I relaxed my doughnut and released a torrent of guano into the cool waters below, rounded off with a loud, raspberry blast from my poor puckered sphinctus muscle.
Having 'blown mud' 2 times more, I relaxed my marmite jar and breathed easy.
It was then I noted with horror, that there were only 2 squares of toilet paper left, and I was left to either run the terrble gauntlet of playing 'stinkfinger' or pulling up my trolleys and doing a penguin walk to the airing cupboard in which the new roll could be found.
It was a desperate time.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:08, 6 replies)
A familiar feeling!Although now that I have kids, I can just shout for one of them to bring me a fresh roll, instead of having to do the penguin walk.
Well, that certainly used to be the case. Now they're starting to smarten up, they just stand at the bottom of the stairs shouting 'No way dad, it stinks up there'.
Wee buggers.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:14, closed)
My mate Nathanputs a roll in the fridge a couple of hours prior to enjoying a curry.
Genius.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:17, closed)
Why notjust keep them in the bathroom?
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:29, closed)
Because.....some other member of the family will always use them up and leave you with 2 single ply sheets to wipe away a slurry pit's worth of cack with.
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 14:41, closed)
Solution - more than one roll on the looPut a new roll in when you get down to one roll
(if really lazy, stick another in the cupboard).
If that doesn't work, there's no hope..
(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 16:35, closed)
What is it with you......and shitting?
(, Fri 16 Nov 2007, 15:25, closed)
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