Water Pressure
My biggest disappointment has to do with water pressure in my bathroom, specifically in my toilet.

A bit of back story, I am able to choke a blue whale with my, as a friend put it, 'epic chud-monkeys of doom'. Don't know how I am able to do this, but I've always had this super-power (and I have tried varying my diet, only to result in new properties being added to the 'trans-atlantic cable' I'm producing).

It's to the point now that I keep a bucket in the bathroom to aid in the disposal of my faecal fortresses. So there is my disappointment for you, I have yet to find the toilet that can handle my 'monster loaf'.

Length? I shudder to think what they would be like if I was gay......
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:57, 12 replies)

Have you tried eating less?
and doesnt it hurt?
(bazmorningstar efil4nat3b, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 11:58, closed)

Eating less
Just makes them less frequent, and they used to hurt, but I'm used to them now (that sounds so wrong).
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 1 Jul 2008, 12:01, closed)

I suspect
that if you were gay, your ring would be a bit stretched, therefore less extrusion would take place upon turd emission, resulting in shorter, fatter jobbies.

_{Above is based purely on conjecture}
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 12:03, closed)

I know I shouldn't ask, but...
...exactly how do you employ the bucket?
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 13:41, closed)

Eat less.
Eat fibre.
See a doctor.
Because that DOESN'T sound healthy.
(Musuko, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 14:10, closed)

I'm pretty sure the bucket is used to flush more water onto the behemoth
hence his annoyance at the lack of water pressure. Unless it's used for another reason?
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 14:27, closed)

fit a colander over the toilet seat.
shit into the colander.
using a plastic spatula(the rubbery, bendy ones), press the shit through the colander so that it emerges in brown worm-like strands.
these should be much easier to flush and may convince sewage workers that you live on a diet of spaghetti, liquorice shoelaces and worms.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 14:50, closed)

Oh.
I thought he just crapped in the bucket, then used it in the garden as potato fertiliser, as I suggested yesterday in another best-forgotten thread.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 14:58, closed)

@Smashmonkey
what you are describing sounds a lot like the Play Doh Mop Top Hair Shop™!
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 15:59, closed)

The bucket has no sinister applications
I just fill it with water and pour it into the bowl to coerce the behemoth on it's way.

I like the colander idea, very 'Play-doh', but in all honesty I really don't want to play around with my poo.

I have also been to the doctor about it, and aside from giving me a useless pamphlet about healthy eating and the same advice I'm hearing from many of you, it was a waste of my time.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Tue 1 Jul 2008, 16:37, closed)

Fecal extrusions
Colanders and plastic spatulas be damned...

www.turdtwister.com
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Tue 1 Jul 2008, 16:48, closed)

Yes
I want one of those, that's awesome.

The 'Bat-Turd' would be the one I'd use - heh.
(UncleChuckles "Cthulhu fhtagn", Wed 2 Jul 2008, 9:41, closed)