the ol' brush off
Dan was a bloke i met at college. he was one of a group of 8 of us who would have lunch together every day, before heading off to the pub. Dan was very fond of cheese, crusty bread, potatoes....in short, any foods pretty much guaranteed to give him chronic constipation.
as a result of straining to remove his constant bum-blockages, Dan ended up with a very painful crop of piles. he didn't want to tell us at first(i don't blame him), but it soon became apparent that there was a problem with his poop-chute.
we all tried to convince him to go to the doctor, but Dan was far too ashamed of his anal neighbours to go, so he just put up with them. before long, though, the pain just became too much to bear and Dan realised something had to be done.
now, Dan had an older sister with a young child, whom she was trying to wean off his bottle. this meant there was plenty of baby-type gubbins being thrown away, including a bottle brush. being the type that comes up with absolutely stunning plans whilst stoned, Dan decided the bottle brush would be just the job for evicting his rectal tenants. as he told us much later, he drank the best part of a bottle of jack daniels, before girding his loins and shoving the bottle brush where the sun don't shine, hoping to pop his piles and have them shrink down to raisins.
obviously, this didn't work. if Dan thought he had trouble sitting comfortably before his botched bumjob, he was wrong. he was now in such agony that within 2 days, his pain had won over his embarrassment and he took his now infected piles to the hospital for treatment.
after 3 days in hospital and unspecified treatment, Dan was allowed home, sore but wiser.
i went to visit him in the hospital, as did several of our other friends. Dan wasn't as amused by my gift as i was, unfortunately.
it was a bunch of grapes ;)
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 23 Jan 2011, 18:49, 1 reply)

Dear god
That's pretty cringeworthy. Definitely worth a click, not least for the thoughtful gift idea.
(richardm, Mon 24 Jan 2011, 17:18, closed)