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This is a question Down on the Farm

Have you ever been chased from a field by a shotgun-wielding maniac? Ever removed city arseholes from your field whilst innocently carrying a shotgun? Tell us your farm stories.

(, Thu 24 May 2012, 13:19)
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Killing Geese.
Geese can be quite violent buggers when cornered.

Berkshire farm, lots of Geese, Cows, Ducks & Pigs.

Christmas is approaching, so it is time to start killing Geese, Cows, Ducks & Pigs to sell to happy families for Christmas dinners.

I have been instructed how to kill a Goose; Mr Farmer has devised in ingenious method. Quick, cheap and, in his opinion, humane....

The Theory...tempt the flock of Geese into the yard with food. Grab the nearest Goose and tuck it under your right arm, in the manner of a violent struggling honky bagpipe. Grab the head with your left hand, position the head under a long metal bar on the ground, stand on long metal bar, thereby crushing the goose’s head and pull hard until neck breaks. Goose will die with dignity and grace. Simple

"That's how you do it Lads"....um...ok. I guess he’s the animal husbandry expert. He’s thought this one out.

Mr. Farmer observes proceedings from a safe distance...

The Reality: temp geese into the yard with apples. So far, so good. Goose picks up an entire apple with its beak and munches the whole thing in one snap. Num Num, Honk. Gone. Gimme more.

Ken Oath marvels at the clever goose's ability to munch an entire apple, given the goose's limited beak length and also given the apple was positioned right at the tip of the Goose's beak, where one would think there is very little physical crushing ability. (Fuck. Try crushing an apple, right at the tip of a pair of chopsticks. Super-goose).

It's true; these thoughts did flash though my mind, as I positioned myself to grab the goose with the intention of jamming its head under an iron bar and pulling hard until it died. Ok, sidle up to goose, respect the beak, respect the beak, and quick! Lunge and Grab!

But...the average free-range, healthy, muscular goose, as well as possessing super-goose jaw muscle strength, has street smarts, so they flap like hell and fight for their life when you grab them with intent to kill.

Goose takes violent umbrage against my attempts to kill it. Goose wrenches free from my grasp and loudly attacks my rapidly retreating arse.

I felt the ensuing bite through the three layers of clothing (overalls, jeans and undies) and felt the warm trickle of blood running down the back of one leg. Fuck, that hurt!

Now that is a fucking strong animal. And a loud flappy strong animal too. And they have horrid spurry things on their wings.

Although, they quickly forget about violence with application of a couple more apples, so you can grab them with renewed venom, and make sure their fucking heads go under that fucking bar and they develop a very long fucking neck. And fucking die. With fucking dignity and buckets of fucking goosey grace.

But, in a macabre sort of revenge, they take absolutely forever to pluck. The feathers are surprisingly resilient to removal. Defiant to the end.

Tastes good though.
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 12:00, 2 replies)
Hahaha, now this DID make me laugh :)

Geese are psychopathic thugs...

(, Wed 30 May 2012, 13:49, closed)
And that made me laugh!
Great picture!
(, Wed 30 May 2012, 14:14, closed)

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