Spotted my old Secondary School Bully.
Lacking a convenient Honda, I pretended he was invisible as he staggered up the steps to his flat (he was carrying an orrery - of all the weird things - in his huge, ham-like hands).

In hindsight, it had been inevitable bullying. I was a campy, childish late-bloomer from a tiny primary in the sticks, he was already on the brink of shaving. But still, I was distressed that all the old feeling could come flooding back, when my torment should have been wrapped up with school days, several decades ago.

Later on, I had to polish off a bottle of homemade pomegranate vodka - my friend wanted the bottle back to continue his distillery experimentation, and I felt like an arse having something as pretentious as pomegranate vodka knocking around anyway. Sadly, my thoughts continued to buzz toward my tormentor - and the vodka (though not tasting in any way of pomegranate, whatever the hell thats supposed to taste like) went down too sleekly for a light-weight like me.

That bastard. Unlike the lying propaganda of Disney (wherein all villains are either bright and weedy or dumb and stupid) his ham-like fists sat on top of cruelly clever tongue. I was brighter than him in the long-run, but when put on the spot, he could crush me either which way. And he seemed utterly fearless.

Hold. Utterly fearless? There was that time in class when we discuss weird phobias; I hate clowns, he hated pirates. Some sort of bad dream when he was tiny.

A Grand Plan for vengeance was constructed: a plan for a crushing humiliation of my enemy. A glorious cacophony of stewed revenge would be spilled over his head; all I needed to do was buy essentials and I would pounce like a tiger! Off to eBay!

*****

Woke up the next day with a fearsome hangover, sick in the sink, half a sandwich (with no filling?) clutched in my hand and very definitely poisoned. It was only when I started receiving stuff off eBay I recalled there had been a Grand Plan. It involved pirates, I remember, but I'm intrigued to know how it involved:


x2 Inflatable Unicorns. Obviously, two were necessary to the Grand Plan, in case one burst. Obviously.

Equally, x2 'Cannonball' class bowling-balls. Probably the closest I could get to real cannonballs.

Guidebook to Palaces of the UK - I have no idea where this came in; possibly I mistook 'pirates' for 'palaces'? A festering bit of tat if there ever was one, and sadly in my possession.

Misadventures of a Big Mouth Brit, piers Morgan. Worst buy of the lot; even looking at the cover contaminates my soul. Maybe my backup plan was to give said bully this?

x2 toy Trumpets, annoying child-at-christmas variety. Pirates use trumpets, don't they? Known for it.

Fawlty towers - probably just an impulse buy rather than part of the Grand Plan, but Jesus what a rip-off! It was well expensive for just 6 episodes, and on VHS too - I'll never be able to play it.

A picture postcard - features those ugly tenements that they are planning to blow up in Glasgow for the games. Since I knew he lived in a block of flats, I think I was planning to use them as research on how to break into his flat. The mind boggles.

Ocean of Tears, from Alice in Wonderland. A rather horrible song, from some twee, dreadful version of the Disney film. Think I clicked on this by accident - I am sure I was looking for ocean, flags, pirate.

2 pirate Flags. Obviously this would be necessary - the Grand Plan clearly required it - but at this point I had got eBay stuck on sending me two of everything. Still no idea how?!

x2 Dr Who novels. It was called 'rags', and its series-obsessive crap. If you want to know more, it seems that the entire plot is available for free on its wikipedia entry. So: a really, really great buy, oh yes.

x2 Airfix ferryboats. A pirate needs his boat, thus quite vital to the Grand Plan. By this point I can conclude that I was so far gone I lacked functioning eyeballs, though to be fair, they don't look that un-piractical. The Pirates Ferryboats of the Poole Harbour - maybe I can get Jerry Buckheimer interested.

x2 Scimitars. Pirate needs his scimitar, of course. Apparently he also needs real fancy metal ones - two of them - for a terrifying amount of money. They're bloody lethal looking, and I literally gibbered when these showed up.

x2 pirate scarves - pirates being widely known for their scarves, of course. I'm not sure how making a tightly striped black & white scarf makes it 'pirate', but that’s what the description says, and apparently eBay was designed with drunken tools like me in mind.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 17:39, 6 replies)

The whole of the moooooon
*assumes position*
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 17:39, closed)

Oooh, I've read Rags
Years back, I think I got it from a pound shop. I thought it was okay.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 17:56, closed)

Tremendous.
Though I'm intrigued how you went about rescuing the plan.

You had lots of stuffs... maybe not the right stuffs, but stuffs nonetheless... and presumably you still had motivational bitterness?
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 18:00, closed)

I imagine the scimitars and especially the expense created a cathartic moment and
STAR WARS
( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Tue 15 Apr 2014, 18:55, closed)

*clicked* for the first time in years
because, frankly, this deserves to win.
(Mork, Wed 16 Apr 2014, 9:06, closed)

This is excellent...
And I have clicked accordingly. (Not Honda accordingly of course)
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Wed 16 Apr 2014, 10:23, closed)