I've got piles
of stupid stories, oddly enough echoing some of those already posted.

Iron
I had a crappy, heavy old iron which took f-o-r-e-v-e-r to heat up. I got into the habit of heaving the thing up off the ironing board and waving it next to my cheek (face) to see if it was in any way warm. Then it went Kaput and I got a new, much lighter, much faster heating one. You’ll already have guessed the result: hot iron into face. The cool part – if you can call it that – was that only the edge of the iron made contact, and I was left with a rather fetching ‘duelling’ scar across my cheek. Length? About 4 inches.

Pitchfork
Me and my bro loved playing chicken – y’know, where you chuck a penknife at the steadily decreasing space between your feet – until the day we decided we were good enough to try it with a fuck-off big pitchfork. Again with predictable results – it went clean through bro’s wellie, foot, wellie again and an inch or two into the ground. I got a seriously good hiding for that one.

Shit
New Year’s Eve some years ago with the then Mrs Punch. Heavy snowfall, and we absolutely had to venture out (a) to check on her stupid fucking horse and (b) get some shopping. Leaving the supermarket, we took the scenic route home through a severe blizzard and ended up getting stuck in a snowdrift just outside a one-horse town. I knew I had something nasty brewing inside, and as we trudged towards the lights of a hostelry I attempted a sneaky fart. Ooooooh big mistake. I crapped myself quite generously.

Once inside the pub, I left Mrs Punch to get the drinks in while I strode (waddled?) urgently to the bog. It was all quite vile, but luckily my expensive designer underwear (Xmas present from Mrs Punch) had contained the blurp with little seepage. I cut myself out of them with a penknife and flushed the whole lot down the pan, then mopped up the smearage and lined my jeans with bog paper. Mrs Punch never found out. Length? About a pint.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 16:57, 1 reply)

What's brown and shouty?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
(Magnus, Fri 21 Dec 2007, 18:35, closed)