Jabba the slut
Wow I haven't posted here since I was still in school, but rediscovered this site recently and have been pissing myself laughing at all the stories so I thought I'd re-join the festivities..

My first major breakup was unintentional. I was seeing this girl called Chloe, mixed-race white and persian, blue eyes, curly hair, nice body, bit chavvy, but a real looker. She was at the time a college student of meagre means and as such she lived in a hostel, sharing a flat with a gargantuan whale-beast named Hailey. Hailey had a weight problem - by this I don't just mean she was fat, I mean when she lay on a bed she looked like a fucking pancake. Hailey is the main occupant of this here tale, for Hailey was a ravenous beastie and would try to make a pass at me whenever Chloe left the room. The choice was between a girl who looked like a Bond girl in a towel and a girl who was literally two of me. I let her down gently at first and more forcefully later; I ended up having to tell Chloe who burst into tears at her friend's betrayal, begging her to stop. Hailey promised to. She didn't.

This wouldn't have been such a problem except that Hailey never left the single-living area flat. To be fair it was originally her flat, but come on... No matter how much coaxing and coercing we did, (which extended to even buying her tickets to go out to her favourite club) she would not leave the place, perhaps for fear of encountering water and melting into a Loch-nessian pool of oozing slime. On that occasion with the tickets the daft beastie necked 6 speed tabs promising to go out for the next 2 hours. I then foolishly let her smoke a bit of homegrown and she promptly began spazzing in and out for ages, flopping about and speaking in a strange garbled dialect unrecognizable as English; her speech not unlike that of a famous tyrannical Star Wars character. Poor Chloe rushed around after her all that time, whilst I managed to muster a look of grievous concern as I tried not to piss myself. Given that I was still a virgin at this time I could have killed her - had I not been trying so hard not to laugh at the image that kept springing to mind. From that day forth she was known (in my head) as Jabba the slut.

As you can guess she was the principal cause behind the ending of this blossoming relationship. Finally after all the graft and long struggle it was the day - I could feel it. It was the day I traded in my V-plates and became a man. Chloe answered the door still wet from the shower, hair dripping and gave me a sexy hug. She dressed up barely hidden behind the makeshift screen of her towel and my, er... leg twitched nervously. We waved goodbye to the sad beast and headed out for an evening of fun and frolics. It was only in coming back that we encountered a problem. Having put 2+2 together it transpired that Chloe must've asked Hailey to leave the flat, so we could finally consummate our teenage lusts. What Hailey did instead was contact Chloe's older brother to tell him that his supposedly muslim little sister (Kaya was apparently her muslim/birth name) was out drinking and about to have sex with a boy. As such when we got back to the flat an outlandish scene was had, in which I couldn't even get into the room blocked at the door by Hailey. I eventually gave up promising to come back the next day. The next day never arrived. Chloe and Hailey had a massive bustup that night after which they were both ejected from the building. Chloe moved back in with her Muslim parents and I never saw her again. Hailey was hopefully run over by a truck, but I don't even fancy the truck's odds. This was my first encounter with the legendary female 'bitch', but definitely not the last.

Apologies for length, it runs in the family.
(Habacock, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 15:50, 25 replies)

6 speed tabs!
She must have been a gabba jabba.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 16:00, closed)

I didn't actualy see..
..how many she took, but I was told it was 6 (after she started spazzing out). At the time I was inexperienced with speed so I didn't question it. I've never seen tablets of speed since, so I assume they were amphetamine slimming tablets. She must've just taken a load of them to get the same rush as speed.
(Habacock, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:49, closed)

What do you mean "since I was in school"?
You clearly still are, you lying racist.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 16:03, closed)

i think you've done the length joke before
haha it's really good
( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 16:24, closed)

If the gag works once, use it again.
That's what I tell all my victims.
(Barnetboy, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 16:39, closed)

You ceased to be a virgin
when you failed to have sex with your girlfriend?

Still, fat bird, MASSIVE DRUGS, and a hot girlfriend - very nearly qotw gold!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 16:54, closed)

I'm wondering what
car the girls brother drove?
(username failed moderation, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:12, closed)

I didn't cease to be a virgin, well not then
Which is why I hate Jabba. My favourite part of Star Wars is always when Princess Leia strangles that fat bi... I mean bastard.
(Habacock, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 18:01, closed)

Do you think this childish misogyny is what has stopped you from forming any proper relationships with women?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 19:06, closed)

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
YOU MADE A COMMENT ABOUT THE LENGTH OF YOUR POST BUT ACTUALLY YOU WERE REFERRING TO YOUR PENIS! THIS IS THE ABSOLUTE CUTTING EDGE OF HUMOUR. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE IT SO LONG BEFORE POSTING THE NEXT JOKE ABOUT THE LENGTH OF YOUR PENIS! THANKS!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:38, closed)

I've been away...
Every post used to end with a joke about the length of said poster's penis when I last posted here. I thought it was b3ta tradition.
(Habacock, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:51, closed)

It would be funnier if you actually had a really enormous schlong.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:53, closed)

Stop trying to get him to post pictures of his knob

( 2 Can Chunder Word to your mums, I came to prod bums, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 22:19, closed)

You ruin everything.
You fucking ruiner.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 19:16, closed)

I think what's confusing people here is your description of Chloe
remember that the majority of your audience won't have any frame of reference for a woman who is not enormously fat
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 17:43, closed)

Or stuffed with toys.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 18:29, closed)

Next year,
I'm going to replace the kids Christmas stockings with hollowed-out hooker corpses. Sexy and fun!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 19:22, closed)

You forgot the damp bedsit in Finsbury Park
anyway it's all about the cosplay these days, do keep up :p
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 20:09, closed)

Which, considering the title of this thread, gives me an idea...
...I can get a hookah pipe and a frog in a jar if she's up for it
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 20:11, closed)

This will take your dangerously close to Furry territory, emvee.
Jabba one week, a Wookie the next, and before you know it you'll be dressed as a cat in a trenchcoat, and considering plastic surgery to implant whiskers.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 21:42, closed)

Hm, I'd not considered that
Does dressing up as Batman count?
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 22:10, closed)

I'd never though of Batman as a Furry, before.
Damn you!
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 7 Jan 2013, 22:37, closed)

Yiff in hell, furfag.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 8:48, closed)

Fuck off back to 4chan.

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Tue 8 Jan 2013, 9:26, closed)

Yiff it up
mofo!
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Tue 8 Jan 2013, 6:32, closed)