Ooh, I just remembered the scary Christian
I wrote this for a different audience a while ago, so this is just a cut and paste job. The original audience were American improvisors, hence some of the explanatory text:

"I just started reading The God Delusion and it reminded me of something I think I had desperately tried to suppress.

Let me take you on a trip to the past:

I’m a 16 year old virgin when a new girl joins our school. Very friendly, Swedish, attractive (to me, my friends couldn’t see it) and, sadly, ultra religious.

But did that stop me trying? Hell no. She quickly became my ‘girlfriend’. She even let me hold her hand. Once.

And what did I have to go through to get this very special privilege?

Let’s start a list, shall we?

Go to her church with her. And her family. Every Sunday.

Join the ‘Christian Society’ at school. Which run weekly. During the lunch hour. Three times a week. In a room where I could clearly see all my friends playing football. And having, you know, fun. While I nodded sagely and pretended to believe in creation.

Drive 5 hours to go to a three hour church service in rural (read: Backward) Norwich. Where I felt like such a fool being the only one who didn’t stand up and raise my hands to allow god into my life that eventually (oh the shame) I did. So I’m standing there, arms aloft singing Hallelujah with everyone else.

Go to her sisters baptism listening to a painfully trying to be trendy preacher say things like ‘I love the music in the hit parade’ (a phrase for the top 40 that hadn’t been used since my Mum was a teenager) and discuss the lyrics to ‘Size of A cow’ by The Wonderstuff:

“Don't you think it's funny that nothing's what it
seems when you're not looking forward?
Me, I'd like to think life is like a drink,
and I'm hoping that it tastes like bourbon.
You know that I've been drunk a thousand times,
and these should be the best days of my life,
Life, it's not what I thought it was.
Damn blast, look at my past,
ripping up my feet over broken glass.
Oh wow, look at me now,
I'm building up my problems to the size of a cow.”

Trendy Preacherman: ‘He should turn to God, not drink, and then his problems would be more like the size of a mouse’ (wha?)

Things went wrong when she threw out my copy of REM’s Out Of Time because she didn’t want me listening to a song called ‘Losing My Religion’.

Well, that and the fact that she said she would ‘kill her twin sister if God told her to’

So, yes, I wasted 6 months of my life trying to get laid by someone who probably still hasn’t had sex to this day because it’s so sinful.

God, I was tragic.

You know what's worse?

10 years later I met a girl through work who started to talk about The Landmark Forum. Luckily I managed to spot the signs before I got dragged through a similar thing. Mind you, I did get to sleep with this one."
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 11:32, 1 reply)

*click* Despite your sig! *grumbles*
Nice story.

I would have her down firmly on the 'nuts' side of eccentric though.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Fri 31 Oct 2008, 11:36, closed)