Sports Injuries that Never Occurred
I was a complete and utter non-sports-oriented geekazoid in junior high school. Despite this, in the 7th grade I found myself a bench-warmer on a 3-on-3 school basketball team.

Most of the time, I stood on the sidelines and went apeshit insane when my team scored, since such things were a rarity. And since I contained several megawatthours worth of energy that belied my disinterest in organized sports, I was usually jumping up and down like a complete loon.

On this particular occasion, our team was in the lead, and I was being my usual weird self on the sidelines, jumping up and down at various angles while babbling. At one certain climactic moment, about thirty seconds before I was scheduled to take someone's place on the actual court and play actual basketball, I came down wrong on my right foot during a spastic sort of jumping cheer.

It hurt more than anything I'd ever experienced before. Yet, now I was being ordered onto the court. I had to make my move. My fleeting seconds of fame hung in the balance.

I limped, badly, out onto the court, and made a feeble attempt at a shot off my left foot. The ball didn't even make the backboard.

A visit to the doctor later that afternoon confirmed that my energetic cheering had resulted in a broken fifth metatarsal. I had broken my foot while doing essentially nothing. I had to wear a flamingly gay-looking foot brace sandal thingie for the next two weeks.

To this day I tell people I broke my foot "playing basketball". I neglect to tell them that I wasn't even in play when it occurred.
(The 2-Belo OH SHI--[Sound of impact][End of recording], Wed 8 Sep 2004, 4:14, Reply)