Erm......
People with kids will know how silly you get over your firstborn. Wondering why they are so quiet and thinking they might have died, or wishing they would just shut up and go to sleep rather than having loud conversations about poo with the teddy bear.

Anyways, we had the usual routines of being woken up by shouting to find our spawn covered head to foot in reguritated pasta and tomato sauce, or maybe that nice fish and rice dish that he downed with some curdled milk. But there was one time.....

We were woken by our two year old son crying in the night. It was nothing major, just a little bit of sobbing. So I send the wife in to sort him out (I had done the past two night visits - it was her turn). Anyways, I hear the crying get worse and then I hear hysterical screaming.

"What the chuffing hell is going on?" I burst into the room trying to sound all angry. I see my wife trying to restrain my son as he wriggles around, screaming like he is on fire or something. Well, I basically went white as a ghost, nearly shit my pants, grabbed the phone and called for an ambulance.

They arrived in fifteen minutes and I had to describe how my son seemed to be having a fit. It seemed like the longest time ever. The ambulance men arrived, and by the time they got upstairs, the little snotbag was sat up all smiles and giggles.

They checked him out and gave him the once over. The verdict:
NIGHTMARE.

When they left I cried. Not sure if it was relief or anger.
(plant rolls out of bed like a fat wobbly tub of lard, Fri 17 May 2013, 8:58, 20 replies)

The whole 'are they dead' thing does get quite annoying.

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 17 May 2013, 10:22, closed)

You're not hitting them hard enough.
A shovel can be very effective.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 May 2013, 10:23, closed)

Wriggling, screaming AND dead?

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 May 2013, 10:28, closed)

"Wondering why they are so quiet and thinking they might have died"

( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Fri 17 May 2013, 10:29, closed)

Zombies.

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Fri 17 May 2013, 11:05, closed)

One of mine, aged about 2, once woke us up by screaming about Mum falling in the water.
She'd been having a nightmare and we were able to calm her down and get her back to sleep eventually.

However, she'd been quite insistent that Mum was in the water. It was as if she was traumatised. These days you read about children talking about having past lives with different parents…

Think I need a coffee.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Fri 17 May 2013, 11:00, closed)

And you thought you'd dealt with all the witnesses already ...

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 May 2013, 11:02, closed)

And then you and six friends went out for Tapas
and got a book deal and worldwide fame out of it.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 17 May 2013, 23:11, closed)

Dunno. I've got two kids and neither turned me into a jibbering paranoid emospaz.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 17 May 2013, 12:13, closed)

But they have done a pretty thorough job of sucking all the joy out of your life
right?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 May 2013, 12:53, closed)

Nope.
I go to slightly fewer gigs but apart from that my lifestyle is largely unchanged. And they're generally adorable.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 17 May 2013, 13:09, closed)

So, I can call you immature
with impunity?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 May 2013, 14:13, closed)

Oh you flirt!

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 17 May 2013, 14:18, closed)

*mwah*

( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 17 May 2013, 14:32, closed)

That's because all they know of you is the back of your head
and silhouette in the light of the monitor as you mumble & type angrily.
Day in, day out. For many hours at a time.

What is 10 years & 10000 posts or something? They must be so proud.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 17 May 2013, 13:19, closed)

Pipe down, no-name. You type more words on here than anybody.
And they're all dull.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 17 May 2013, 13:52, closed)

shut up please

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 17 May 2013, 14:38, closed)

Ooh hark at Mr OKCupid getting all snarky about another married person's internet use.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Fri 17 May 2013, 19:23, closed)

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Fri 17 May 2013, 22:49, closed)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0CZkhQt8xw
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 17 May 2013, 23:33, closed)