An acquaintance of mine is Canadian and a committed royalist (to the British Monarchy)
He will not have a bad thing said about them; he salutes the flag, stands up for the national anthem, the works. In the 70’s he worked on the North Sea oilrigs and one of his duties was to man the radio, give incoming helicopters clearance to land and talk them in.

Now the thing about working on oilrigs (apparently) is that because they are such extreme places to live and work, everything has a procedure. Any deviation from a procedure is very dangerous and could result in accidents/death/towering inferno. You get the picture.

One day he spots a helicopter flying in low heading straight for the oilrig. He tries to contact the pilot – no reply, tries again – nothing. As the helicopter gets to the oilrig it’s obvious the pilot intends to land but starts flashing the wrong landing lights.

So this acquaintance of mine is faced with an unidentified helicopter doing everything wrong heading straight for the oil rig, which is effectively a petrol bomb on stilts with 200 men on board. There is also a possibility of workers near the landing pad being blown off the platform to a watery grave.

So he sounds the alert. Sirens blare, drilling stops and 200 men follow the correct procedure for an imminent impact on the rig (which I believe was to put your head between your legs and kiss your arse goodbye).

The helicopter lands without incident. My acquaintance tears across the landing pad, grabs the pilot by the lapels as he steps down and shouts in his face something to the effect of “You stupid fucking cunt, give me one good reason why I shouldn’t tear you a new arsehole…”

The pilot apologises, removes his flight helmet revealing himself to be Prince Charles. He had come to give the boys a surprise visit and tell them what a great job they were doing (Britain had gas shortages) and generally cheer them up.

My acquaintance has never forgiven himself, but the visit was a success and Prince Charles didn’t bat an eyelid at being called a “stupid fucking cunt”.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Fri 4 Aug 2006, 11:28, Reply)