Chewing gum
A few years back I found myself wandering aimlessly through town, lost in my own random thoughts, chewing some gum as I went. Before long, I had left the nice end of town and ended up in an area that proudly proclaimed itself to be ‘twinned with Sareyevo.’ Locals glared at me menacingly with their Cyclops eyes; things did not bode well and I made a mental note to beat a hasty retreat without actually looking as though I were beating a hasty retreat… saunter naturally, that should do it. Nice and relaxed; make it look as if you’ve been here before and know your way around. I kept mentally telling myself this as I inwardly panicked, realising that I didn’t have a steaming clue where I was.

Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit.

Like dogs, inbred scum seem to be able to smell fear on a person, and I was positively reeking of it by this point. I found myself surrounded by a crowd of veritable missing links, with nowhere to run. I was going to have to defend myself. But how? All I had was…

An idea formed. I whipped the wad of chewing gum from my mouth, the flavour having long since gone anyway. The chewing action had rendered it malleable, and contact with the air would surely cause it to harden rapidly, like you see on the pavements? Quickly, I fashioned the gum into a pole like weapon, not unlike those used by South American tribes, hurled it at the nearest ape-like being, and made a break for it. However, one of them managed to trip me up with it’s knuckles, and I sprawled awkwardly forward before connecting with the ground.

I awoke an hour later in a skip, head throbbing and minus a couple of teeth. My attackers seemed to have gone. My body ached as I heaved myself out, and I went looking for the quickest exit from the neighbourhood. As I walked, I noticed my makeshift weapon lying discarded on the ground. I picked it up, and then I realised my error. In my haste to defend myself, I had forgotten to sharpen the point. When I had hurled it at my would-be-and-as-it-turned-out-actual attacker, it had bounced harmlessly off her three breasts, and onto the floor. For that, I had been on the receiving end of a good kicking by half a dozen neanderthals, ended up in a skip, and was now chewing gum-less. I gazed at the greying, hardening lump of masticated gum and lamented the futility of my pointless ex-spearmint.

Whaddya mean, it’s too early?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 25 Jul 2008, 13:58, 2 replies)

Oh, go on then
Have a click.

It was a well-told story, I have to admit. And I thought the pun was quite good.
(LongJohnBaldry, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 14:01, closed)

Inspired...
sheer quality.

*tips hat*

*doffs cap*

*wonders why he is wearing both a hat and a cap*

Edit: and........*clicks*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 25 Jul 2008, 14:21, closed)