Going to be a long one. Go to the last line for summation.
A while ago there was Alien War (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_War) Scattered around Britain they were basically a haunted house type thing but with Aliens from the movies of the same name. Proper costumed players jumping out at you and marines firing guns and the like. To a fan like me this was possibly the greatest thing ever invented. It was, reportedly, awesome.
GUESS WHAT?! It would seem something like it was opening in my town and.. and.. they wanted staff! So, like a shot from a M56 Smart Gun, i applied. And got the job! I was very excited. VERY. I might get to be a monster, i might get to be a trooper. Either way i was going to have an awesome costume or be firing guns yeah? HOW COOL IS THIS GOING TO BE!
So I turn up, with others who are so inclined and employed, to find a huge, perfect, recreation of a spaceship.. actually no. I didn't.

I found 4 drab, rusting, truck containers on an old carpark. Well, thought I, being as experienced at theatre as i was, it's what's inside that counts. Oh the optimism. Inside they had covered the walls in black cloth. I fought bravely with my disappointment, it will be pitch black i am told, we are not finished yet it is explained, it doesnt matter. AH! Fair enough then! Excitement level starts to build again.
I am then told i shall be a monster, for i am 6 foot tall. The monsters are taken in to see the costumes and HELL IT IS HOT inside those trucks, and its not yet but the beginning of summer. God only knows what it'll be like when the sun is actually beaming on them all day. It'll be dealable with, i get to be a monster after all. Show me the costume that shall transform me into the most fearsome drooling beast you ever suspected lived in the dark recesses of mans mind!
No, Mr Barmpot Owner, you seem to be holding up a sleeping bag with pointy bits of material sown onto it. I want to see my costu... oh. That IS the costume. Your wife made it? oh how lovely. Did she work on the early days of doctor who? is she mentally challenged?
Our costumes were LITERALLY a sleeping bag with legs and pointy bits of material sown in. One minute of wearing them in the sweltering trucks and the sweat was rolling down our backs. Running about all day was possibly fatal. While my comerades stood in shock and nothing like awe i spoke up. I explained they were too hot, i explained they would be hard to move in, i explained quite a lot just to be sure we would not have to wear such ridiculous costumes.
So i took on the job of redesigning and building better ones )i worked as a concept artist occasioanlly and had done such things before so this was not out of my capabilities. If i was not given a budget of £3 a costume... Needless to say they were not briliant but a fellow player got the job of finishing them off and as he was a new dad he didn't mind the extra work. So, although i was shamed by my design and my rough build it did, at least, bring a silver lining to the cloud.

This is going to go on forever so i'll start being brief. Forgive me.

The work: 12 hour days in alternate shifts guiding folk through the tunnels the trucks had been made into. Long days but well paid. Of course once word got out it was utterly utterly shit not many people turned up. Some days we would have no customers at all so it became a job of sitting under the trucks getting stoned. We actually started to hunger to do a tour just to prevent boredom from driving us into madness. I have never worked in a job where people argued over who got to do some work before or since.

The boss: Mad as a hatter and so optimistic as he threw money down the pan it was actually scary. He was of the Masonic persuation and that helped a great deal when health and safety came knocking. There were sharp edges to all the passages between trucks and a toilet that overflowed so badly it ran between your feet. Remember these trucks were hot and by the end of the first week the stench of well-used chemical toilet filled the filthy, rusting ovens we called the work place.

The customers: there wern't any. Well, a few, but word spread fast. Friends of mine only came to see how terrible it was. One actually bought me a bottle of vodka afterwards "Because you need it".

Saving graces: The crew, great folk barely staying sane. The stunt man who was second in command and went through a lot himself. I cannot remember his name but he had a big motorcycle and was stuck in a horrible job. Very sound guy and greatly respected by all. The money, 12 hours a day on a decent wage when you've spent 6 years on the dole is bloody handy. The memories, and the experience of how not to do it.

There is a lot more i could tell but I have work to do. So there.

edit: it was called "The Millenium Doom".

Brief version: Imagine this: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alien_War done by a old Lancastrian with no budget and no idea.
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 10:17, 1 reply)

What do you call an alien starship that drips water?
A crying saucer.
( lucosade is counting down the minutes until, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 11:01, closed)

oh dear god
that was appalling :D
(DreddPirateBob has watched every scifi film ever on, Wed 15 Jun 2011, 12:47, closed)