More of a confession but...
As a friend of mine said recently, "There's nothing quite as satisfying as doing an ENORMOUS smelly poo somewhere where you're very unlikely ever to return, and driving away at full speed." I think I can go one better. There's nothing quite as satisfying as doing an ENORMOUS smelly poo and failing to claim responsibility.

On 18 December last year, I was in Tegucigalpa. Tegucigapla is the capital of Honduras, and boy is it a shithole. I'd been travelling for a few weeks with a fairly large group of people, most of whom I liked. With one massive exception. Megan. Megan was a nasty, bitchy girl who made snide comments about me in front of everybody, persuaded people to go out without me, etc etc. I don't know why she didn't like me, but she was a Grade A bitch. I emailed everybody back home asking what evil things I should do to her and came up with the following list of suggestions:

* Put hair removal cream in her shampoo
* Spike her drinks with laxatives
* Shave her head while she's asleep
* Put her hand in warm water while she's asleep
* Piss in her suitcase
* Teach her that "Me gusta joder las cabras" means, "Hello, how are you?"

However, what actually happened was so much more satisfying than any of those things. We were at the bus terminal waiting for our bus to Nicaragua when the dodgy burrito that I'd had the night before caught up with me. After an agonising several-minute wait for the one toilet in the building I dived in there, dropped my pants and unleashed a foul torrent of effluent. After I'd cleaned myself up and straightened myself out, I turned round to flush the vile river of monster shit down the toilet. It wouldn't flush. I was in there for several minutes, cursing this toilet, opening it up and trying to fix it, all to no avail. It was not going to flush. There was nothing for it. I was going to have to leave it and pretend that it wasn't mine.

I left the cubicle, looking as innocent and disgusted as I possibly could. Mercifully the next person in the queue wasn't anyone I knew, but behind her was Megan. "It's disgusting in there," I helpfully warned her. A few minutes later, thanks to a window at the top of the toilet facing the bus terminal, I was treated to the glorious sound of the following:

"Oh -my - God - BLEEEEEARAARRRRGGGHHHH!!! Ewww! HURRRRHHRHHHHGGGGHGGGHHHH!! BLLLLLLEEEEEEEARARRRGGsplugfffffff!!!"

A few minutes later, Megan emerged, white and shaking. I sat on the bus sniggering for the next several hours. Megan, if you're reading, IT WAS ME! HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:32, 28 replies)

My spanish is non existant
so what does "Me gusta joder las cabras" really mean? I'm sure it's not good.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:34, closed)

It means...
"I like to fuck goats"
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:37, closed)

Oh really?
*makes note*

*gazzes Bert*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:38, closed)

Ew...!
But girls don't poo!

*clicks*


Me gusta joder y chupa las cabras

( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:56, closed)

You, Madam,
are an evil genius! :)
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 12:57, closed)

Bert
I hate to break it do you, but I've heard some very strong rumors, and even seen some evidence to the contrary.

Sorry big man.

*hugs manfully*
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:11, closed)

@al
Seen?

You poor, poor man. I once clicked a link on this site that I will regret forever, I saw a lovely lady going poopsie into a lucky gentleman's mouth.

I'm going to be sick again now.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:47, closed)

Well
I was actually just going on the fact that I live with my girlfriend and we have an open door policy in the toilet. But whatever floats your boat big man.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:48, closed)

The open toilet door policy
should NOT extend to number twos, that's just WRONG.

I remember posting on here a while ago, about how I had a girlfriend when I was 19 who would enjoy my toilet noises so much that she'd sit by the bathroom door, lady-fwapping as I laid a chocolate log.

*bokes*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:57, closed)

What's odd
is that now, I don't like shutting the bathroom door. I have to remind myself when I go to my parents.

Didn't you get married at 19? or did you marry a different girl?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 13:59, closed)

Open toilet door policy?
Oh my God, why would you *do* that??? Even for a #1, what's the point?
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:06, closed)

well
convenience really. I have to say that I personally like my no.2 time to be a bit more personal, but if I really need a crap and she's in the shower, then that's the way it's gonna be. I'm not going up the garden to use the compost heap. That's only for no.1's
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:12, closed)

@al
Yes, I married the shit-loving freak, but she did grow out of it before that.

@fluffles it's the sharing of something intimate, and hidden, showing to your partner how relaxed you are around them, but I still wouldn't do a poo with the door open. Ever.

EDIT @al NNNNOOOO!!! You can't poo while she's in the shower! That's vile! I had a housemate who did it once, a very pretty girl, but I still could have killed her. The dirty french cow.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:13, closed)

Well, each to their own
but there is no way I am EVER crapping in front of anyone.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:14, closed)

I really hate the open door myself.
I've lived with women who were very comfortable using the toilet in front of me. I, however, did not share their comfort with this. I by far prefer to keep some distance in that department. I don't want to see or hear someone in the bathroom if I can avoid it, and if I can't avoid it there had better be a door between us. Same applies to noises that I make.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:19, closed)

Well
I'm sorry gmf, but that's you taken straight off my fantasy wishlist.

i'm kidding. I don't realy like that sort of thing

Oh, I just saw that comment on your blog, unbelievable.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:20, closed)

Just read that myself
Did you write it? Surely that bloke's not real?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:31, closed)

No
I most certainly didn't write it Bert.

What's funny though, is that if he really has "seen you round" does he know you're like a black belt ninja death machine?
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:33, closed)

al
I meant, did GMF write it? I don't think there could possibly be people who are really like that? Surely?

Are you a black belt ninja death killing machine GMF? I'm going to have to start behaving myself at bashes.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 14:39, closed)

No
I did not write it. And yes I am a black belt ninja death killing machine.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 15:15, closed)

Really?
There sure are some absolute fucknuts out there.


KIIIIIAAAAAAIIII!!!

*pounces from the rafters hoping that GMF doesn't bare her bottom again*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:16, closed)

I was going
to say, that you had better be careful asking to see gmfs delightful posterior in future Bert.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:21, closed)

Did I ask?!
I don't remember asking, I just turned around and there it was, looking me right in the face.

Very lovely it was too.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:23, closed)

Woah!
Firstly, in my house it a closed door policy and no mistake.

Secondly... I read the comment after seeing the above and... wow. There are some brave people behind keyboards out there! You dealt with it very well though!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:38, closed)

All I remember
is that somebody accused me of having a hairy arse, and I felt the need to prove otherwise.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:43, closed)

I'm pretty sure
Bert was involved somewhere.
(Bazongaloid, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 16:43, closed)

That was it, i was the accuser.
Wasn't really expecting a faceful of bum though.

Nobody ever expects a faceful of bum.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Fri 11 Jul 2008, 17:15, closed)