Not a brown labrador in sight......
I must have been 10ish (the time Sean Connery likes to go to Wimbledon). I detested school with a vengeance. Hard to believe now, but I was The School Swot, always coming top in my year group, if not the school for French, English & science, winning prizes left right & Chelsea in the process.

Not only was I an uber-swot, I came from The Posh Estate. Meaning it was the only private estate in teh pit village (it was a Leech house). The rest consisted of council estates and pit houses. Nothing wrong with that; however, my peers' other prerequisite was the total lack of the ability to breathe nasally.

Therefore, Young Tourettes was ostracised at best, ruthlessly bullied at worst. The only relevance of which was my constant insatiable search for excuses to stay off school. Tonsillitis was good; glandular fever was even better (that got me out of P.E. for 6 months to boot!). Genuine childhood ailments, followed by a long spell of good health. Meh!

Then I played a blinder. Literally.....

From whence the inspiration came, I have no idea. I was forever daydreaming, allowing my eyes to drift off out of focus; leaving the Real World far behind and choosing to spend the majority of time in my own Special World. I was doing this one morning as I descended the stairs. Half way down, a half-baked plan came to me. Leave the eyes out of focus and pretend to be blind!

Fuck me all ways, my folks fell for it. I scored 4 or 5 months off school! (Wouldn’t happen nowadays, oh no, I’d be packed off with Extra Visual Support. But this was the 70’s.) My mother helped me to dress, cut my food up (chips at 3 o’clock, Spam at 8 o’clock, fried egg at 12. “Where’s the Ketchup, Mam?”
“Eeh, sorry pet, it’s at 6 o’clock”).


I was duly taken to *see* the GP, who referred me to an eye specialist in Newcastle. Of course, he couldn’t find anything amiss and suggested I visit an optician. Throughout the exam, I kept up my Oscar-winning performance. However, when the optician started putting different lenses in the frames, a potential problem hit me. If I came away with fuck-off jam jar specs that really would cattle my eyes. So in my 10-year-old wisdom, I decided to say the “weaker” lenses helped. 15 minutes later, I thought I’d been rumbled. The optician told my mother all the lenses he’d inserted had been clear glass! Stinky Poo! How was I going to wriggle out of this? He turned to my mother in all seriousness and said, “Your daughter has nothing physical wrong with her sight. Her blindness is psychosomatic. Can you think of any possible triggers or causes?”
She thought for a moment then proclaimed, “Yes! She read that Shiela Hocken book, “Emma and I” – she was really moved by the story and empathised hugely with the blind lady!”
“That’d do it”, replied the nice optician.

And lo, I had another few weeks off school, while my eyesight *gradually returned*…….

Little fuck-sock that I was.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 12:55, 17 replies)

That madam deserves
one twinquillion clicks

have one from me
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 13:13, closed)

Superb work, sweary lady.
Much better than actually going to school, and getting the parents in on it- top work!
*Click*
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 13:14, closed)

Warning!
.
If you ever meet Tourettes in the flesh do *not* be taken in by first impressions.

Ignore the copious swearing and knob jokes.

She is as sharp as freshly opened packet of razors and twice as bright.

And I love and miss her dearly.


Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 13:16, closed)

Bugger me Legless
Now you've gone and made me cry.

I love you too mate, and miss you like you wouldn't believe.

*cries some more*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 13:26, closed)

That
is a mammoth effort there, if only I'd thought of that...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 13:58, closed)

Have a click
for that was brilliant.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 14:11, closed)

Madam,
I wish I had your balls at that age. I bloody hated school and would have cut off my right arm if I'd had the wherewithal.
( girlinthehole, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 15:55, closed)

You are my hero!
I had to make do with a "sore tummy", lacking your brains and application. I did nearly end up with a prefectly healthy apprendix being removed after what must have been an Oscar worthy performance!

*bows*

*clicks*
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Sat 12 Jul 2008, 16:50, closed)

Excellent, my dear!
Truly wonderful. *clicks*
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 18:34, closed)

Eye eye
OK... that is absolute and epic fakery and deserves a click of such velocity that my mouse will probably break.
(calamarain just invented dehydrated water, Sat 12 Jul 2008, 22:50, closed)

Fucking genius!
I doff my cap.
( Muns, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 2:43, closed)

that is some top-notch skiving
if your mother ever finds out, she'll kill you, though.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 18:24, closed)

^ I did 'fess up a while ago
Luckily she saw the funny side.
However, she gets the last laugh as I currently struggle with my son's bullshit excuses to bunk off school ;o)
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Sun 13 Jul 2008, 18:34, closed)

That is fucking nuts!
I can't believe it - it's brilliant
(ShitBitch, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:38, closed)

haha!
that's pure genius!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 10:54, closed)

Perfick.
Just perfick. *GIGANTACLICK*
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Mon 14 Jul 2008, 14:41, closed)

Fantastic Super Sweary
I was always too afraid of getting caught to fake something to get out of school I'm impressed with your ingenuity and guts.
( flirting with badgers What? It sounded good at the time., Tue 15 Jul 2008, 5:40, closed)