Christmas? Bah! Humbugger off!
I'm a bit of a curmudgeonly old sod at times and usually more so on the run-up to Christmas, or The Furtive Season as I not-so-affectionately refer to it.
False bonhomie does nothing to cheer me and I loathe random people whom I've never before met wishing me well for no good reason.
So it is that I've come across the perfect way of getting instant revenge on these unwelcome morons who generally can't tell a cross from a crucifix, checkout staff particularly: when I'm asked (as we all are at some point) what I'll be doing for Christmas by some spotty, seventeen year-old single mum with the average IQ of a dead badger, I like to look them in the eye and say "praying for you and your kind to the Lord Jehova, that he may forgive you and take you into his light. Would you like one of our tracts?" The effect of this invariably shuts the moron up immediately, with the added bonus that they'll think twice before asking another person the same question. However, if I'm in a particularly foul mood, I'll look at the ceiling and tell them "nothing. I'm alone this year as I've just lost my wife and kids in a car crash."
Shuts the stupid twunts up every time.
(Joe Strummer's Telecaster in tune with the world, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:25, 5 replies)

I very much agree with this
When people at check-outs ask how you're doing.
I'm buying a bottle of vodka, some tomatoes and some painkillers.
I'm great thanks.
Now fuck off.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:41, closed)

I don't mind Christmas, as such
But I do hate the run-up to it, like you say. Fucking tinsel everywhere, fucking Christmas adverts in October, fucking dead-eyed Service staff whose bodies are dressed in "festive" costume and their minds are in Hell.

Hate, hate, hate.

Having said that, come December 22nd, I'm usually feeling pretty festive.

I'm a hypocritical cunthorse.
( Kroney, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:46, closed)

CHRISTMAS-CUNTING-MUSIC
I hate Christmas music.
If I don't have my iPod with me when all the shops are playing it, I get very, very angry.
( Cawl, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 12:49, closed)

I use that line
when some moron tells me "cheer up, it might never happen". Actually mate, if I'm looking upset, THEN IT ALREADY FUCKING HAS.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 13:27, closed)

^^
I'm a very relaxed, placid and generally calm individual, with no desire to hurt anyone or anything... until I hear that cunting Christmas music.

It makes me want to shit like a elephant that's been stuffing its big face with prunes for 12 hours solid...
( Moey, Tue 15 Jul 2008, 14:01, closed)