Our house. Every day.
Or, Davros' Granddad's Diary - the musings of a 30-something non-singleton. (Apologies in advance for length).

7:10 am. Clock radio goes off and provides a gentle jolt into the world of the awake. Realise it's Sarah Fucking Kennedy, place pillow over head and try to drown out the annoying bint's inane drivel about her cats and the fact that her bloke is 20 years younger than her, the mad fool.

7:35 am. Nasty horrible buzzy alarm goes off next to bed. Narrowly avoid shitting self in shock because have just managed to doze off again and was having a nice dream about teh kittums.

Play with snooze button for 25 minutes, then realise it's 8 o'clock. Stumble out of bed and make mental note not to fall through the hatch in the floor (we sleep in the loft).

Descend staircase and narrowly avoid banging head off the ceiling / floor (depending on which way you look at it).

Go to toilet and pee for Britain. Flush, wash hands and stagger to kitchen. Switch on kettle, retrieve mugs and make coffee. Present coffee to future spouse; go into living room and sit blearliy for a bit whilst coffee does its job.

8:05 Observe future spouse put coffee on bookcase to go and rouse Sweary Junior. Realise that future spouse has now gone for a shite and bemoan fact that you should have got washed straight away whilst in bathroom. Use time to go and make sandwiches for lunch.

8:10 Future spouse is now out of bathroom and wondering where coffee has gone. Point out it's on bookcase and observe as she takes coffee and goes to take dog for a wee. Use opportunity to have wash and brush teeth. Stomp to bedroom and get dressed for work. Locate watch, rings and mobile phone from same place they are left every night. Pick up debit card and place in pocket in case provisions are needed on way home.

8:15 Future spouse returns from dog duty and having a ciggie, and goes to check on SJ, who is sitting on edge of bed in the manner of a sack of spuds, with school trousers and one sock on. And nothing else. Hear future spouse cajole SJ into getting ready before hitting bathroom herself. But not before hearing her wondering where the fuck she's put her coffee again.

8:20, and SJ can't find his school tie / jumper / shoes (delete as appropriate). Retrieve said item(s) from kitchen bench / middle of landing / bottom of stairs and remind SJ that if he put things away in the same place every night, he'd find them much quicker. Preferably in his room.

8:25 Future spouse presents SJ with breakfast and drink, and locates her own rapidly cooling coffee. Breakfast is half eaten, drink remains untouched. Future spouse heads off to get dressed, placing coffee on table in dining room. 3... 2... 1... Immaculately time ranting that future spouse cannot find her makeup bag. Go into bedroom and immediately place hands on said bag. Observe future spouse head for bathroom to apply face cream, eyeliner, and have another shite.

8:30 Go for a fag.

8:35 Future spouse reminds SJ that he should really be setting off for school.

8:36 Future spouse now cannot find her work briefcase and handbag.

8:37 Or her mobile phone.

8:37 and 30 seconds: SJ sets off for school adamant that he doesn't need his coat despite the fact that it bloody freezing and looks as if it might piss down at any moment.

8:38 Retrieve bags from the far corners of the living room and phone from kitchen bench; Hand to future spouse, who offers profuse thanks, puts them down to get breakfast bar and promptly forgets where she's put them again.

8:40 Future spouse now cannot locate housekeys and spends two minutes scrabbling at bottom of work briefcase until they are located.

8:42 Head out to get car started. Drive to work, drop future spouse off on way at 8:58.

9:15 Arrive at office. Do some work. Fuck around on b3ta for a bit when noone is looking. bemoan shite remote connection and fact that PC keeps freezing on you.

17:15 - 17:30 Decide have had enough and go home.

17:45 - 18:00 Open door and trip over SJs school bag / shoes at bottom of stairs. Or alternatively, get to top of stairs and trip over on landing / middle of living room / kitchen. Observe future spouse finishing off cold coffee from that morning. relax for a bit

18:30 Do dishes from previous evening.

Spend rest of evening jointly wondering what to have for dinner / cooking dinner. Decide on something simple and quick.

21:30 Sit down to eat.

22:00 Chill out for a bit.

23:20 One last smoke.

23:30 Bed

And repeat, except for during school holidays and weekends.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Fri 21 Nov 2008, 12:37, 3 replies)

You could set your clock by my daily routine too.
Isn't growing up lovely : (
( girlinthehole, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 12:47, closed)

^ I hates growing up
....that's why I'm so crap at the whole thing :-S
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 20:04, closed)

Spookily accurate...
...and do I ever learn? Do I shite. The only modification I've made to the routine is to purchase one of those clever flasky cuppies, so that at least my coffee is still remotely tepid (as opposed to clay-fucking-cold when I find the fucker).
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 20:09, closed)