Jack-Whoring-Fucking-Fuckface-Cuntalot-Palance…

For as long as I can remember, I have shuddered with a seething disdain at the mere mention of the (now dead) crusty old actor Jack ‘shitcake’ Palance.

It’s not even his fault really. I never knew the bloke…he might have been a lovely fella. He did nothing personally to offend me. Maybe he wasn’t the best actor in the world, but he tried hard…yet he ended up being a prunefaced tortuous turdboil on the arse of not only my fledgling youth, but also through my teenage years and beyond...

The reason I have grown to loathe the sour-mugged cumbubble with the passion of a thousand rutting Wildebeests is solely down to my mum’s delusion.

When I was a lad, and any movie was on the telly or video, she would like to participate in a spot of ‘film commentary’. Not discussing the plot, or spouting interesting, relevant facts about what we were watching or anything. Oh no. She just liked to try and name the people in the cast...If she recognised any of them.

Unfortunately, and with a painful inevitability…she never recognised any of them. Therefore she would guess…and there was only.ever.one.guess.

Quite how Jack Palance, like the stack of putrid baboon-jizz being spaffed liberally over my childhood that he was, got to tattoo himself on my mum’s fragile and failing memory I will never know. What also didn’t help matters was that in her eyes, it seems he never aged…and he was therefore capable of being in any movie…even after his death…

I believe the curse started in the late 70s, with mum prodding her finger towards the screen and shouting the immortal phrase: “That’s Jack Palance” at any man with dark hair. However, it rapidly degenerated from possible…to doubtful…to totally incomprehensible cases of mistaken identity. One-after-the-other. The process slowly evolved into having those fateful words being screeched with a mixture of blind hope and blithering insanity towards any fucker in the known universe to grace the silver screen:

Some examples:

Mum (whilst watching ‘Top Gun’): “That’s Jack Palance”
Me: “No you daft old trout, That’s Tom Cruise”

Mum (whilst watching ‘Trading Places’): “That’s Jack Palance”
Me: “No…….*sigh*……That’s Dan Aykroyd”

Mum (whilst still watching ‘Trading Places’): “That’s Jack Palance”
Me: “For fuck’s sake – that’s EDDIE MURPHY!”


She must cling to the hope that one day there will be a ‘City Slickers’ or ‘Batman’ repeat, so she can get the validation she so desperately craves by hearing the words:

“YES!...For the love of jiggling, slippery FUCK! – THAT IS JACK PALANCE!”

Every movie for me is now ruined. There is no plot too intense…no performance so magnificent, that it prevents me from having the words: ‘That’s Jack Palance’ perpetually ringing through my ears throughout the whole film like a claxon with a sonic boom attached.

So Rest in Peace Jack…If your ambition in life was to indirectly ruin every single one of my cinematic experiences…past, present and future…then mission accomplished.

You cunt.

( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 26 Nov 2008, 12:26, 9 replies)

A well deserved.....
.... clicky I think! Very funny indeed!

Now I'm trying to remember who Jack Palance was. Ah, I remember, he was the boss lawyer in Devils Advocate!



:-)
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 26 Nov 2008, 12:40, closed)

No, you ignorant turdbucket
He was the guy that hanged himself in The Shawshank Redemption.
(Vice Admiral Sir Charles Cockbrush KCB MBE DSO, who is finding it increasingly difficult to log into b3ta.com wants to duck your aunt and kick your puppy, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 12:49, closed)

Christ no!
He was the guy in Steptoe and Son.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 13:40, closed)

Tossballs......
......he was the big green fat bitch in the Pink Windmill!
(NoveltyCondomHead Clanks Wams., Wed 26 Nov 2008, 16:29, closed)

He was the
fucking windmill!
(Que?, Thu 27 Nov 2008, 3:47, closed)

I hope I remember this
If I ever meet you, I am going to smile a huge beatific grin, spead my arms wide in welcome and yell in my nasal American tones, "Jack! Jack Palance, you old son of a bitch! How are ya, ya old bastard?"
(TDub Nunc id vides, nunc ne vides on, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 15:44, closed)

I do this to my wife.
Every movie we watch, about three minutes in...
"Is that Bruce Willis?"
She hates me.
(w4I4q1O1 was hard at work on, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 16:22, closed)

Hmmm
Funny you should mention that as I found this in a box of tat I got at a car boot sale last weekend. What an odd coincidence.


( enoughblueskyforsailorstrousers, Wed 26 Nov 2008, 19:31, closed)

That^^^...

Is fucking BRILLIANT!

I have emailed it to my mum...I wonder if she'll guess who it is?

*clicks damn hard on reply*
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 27 Nov 2008, 0:44, closed)