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This is a question Family Feuds

Pooster tells us that a relative was once sent to the shops to buy an onion, while the rest of the family went on a daytrip while he was gone. Meanwhile, whole sections of our extended kin still haven't got over a wedding brawl fifteen years ago – tell us about families at war.

(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:24)
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My future brother-in-law’s as bent as a two bob note. Some would say he’s got more raging homo genes than an oiled down Bruno strapped to a bed made up with a girly pink Hello Kitty duvet cover, with Tom Cruise* straddling him wearing nothing but a flaming hot pink latex gimp mask with half a kilo of anal lube dribbling down between his naked buttocks, oozing slime like the contents of a beached BP tanker onto his mammoth, swollen, closely-shaven love plums.

My future brother-in-law is also a rugby player who’s built bulk and general body shape is reminiscent of Mike Tyson in his glory days. He is – as I would put it – a fucking big hard looking fucker. And then he’ll open his mouth and start speaking and you suddenly realize he’s the Welsh equivalent of Julian Clairy.

And the first time he encountered my father it went something like this:-

Jim (usually prefixed by Big Gay): “I’m studying for my MA in Art History at the moment.”
My Dad (usually prefixed by Oh, Shit Here Comes): “…….”
Jim: “It’s very exhausting.”
Dad: “…….”
Jim: “Thankfully I can fit this in round my job. They’re very understanding.”

Looks round for a bit, feeling a little uncomfortable. Sensing something wasn’t quite right with this conversation, I interjected:

Me: “Jim works for a bank, Dad. He does all that credit control stuff.”
Dad: “……”
Jim: “Yes…. It’s very…. um…. good….”
Dad: “……”

Jim and I share a glance, now my girlfriend senses something isn’t quite right. She’s sauntering over to try and get my dad to stop staring at her brother as if he’d just stepped off an interplanetary spaceship from Alpha-fucking-Centuri.

Me: “You ok, Dad?”
Dad: “Surely a good looking man like you could get a woman if you really tried?”

Time stood still while I tried to figure out how best to prevent a feud between my dear old homophobic bigot of a dad and my future in-laws. Thankfully, I didn’t need to. Jim was used to dealing with ‘the older generation,’ as he tends to call them. He replied:

“You’d think so wouldn’t you? As soon as I find a woman with a fully functioning penis and testicles and no breasts who likes listening to Abba and going to gay bars you’ll be the first to know.”

My Dad’s response was priceless of course, he said:


Before he eventually wondered off to have a chat with my future father-in-law about trains, or the war, or how football was better back before the introduction of substitutes when every team had a fella named Chopper or Killer in their starting eleven.

*Not that I’d say Tom Cruise was an aficionado of the cock, of course. Tom Cruise is without doubt the most heterosexual man in the entire universe. I imagine when he’s taking it roughly up the wrong-un by some strapping lad dressed like a member of the Village People he’s trying really hard to think about the latest cover of FHM magazine.
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 17:06, 7 replies)
Grim week this week
thanks for the laffs, mr.
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 17:19, closed)
There's just something about dads
isn't there?
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 17:21, closed)
This deserves clicks on many levels.
Not just the story itself, but also the Tom Cruise footnote. And probably something else as well. Nicely done, I needed that laugh.
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 17:51, closed)
for a change, I actually believed this one
and I liked it. click-o
(, Fri 13 Nov 2009, 18:22, closed)
If, as I believe we chaps do, one has only one "un" in the undercarriage neighbourhood that it would be practical to take some sort of diminutive thespian up, can it really be called the "wrong-un"? Shouldn't I instead threaten to take some chap up the "un"?

Oh, and click for brill yarn
(, Sat 14 Nov 2009, 1:14, closed)
I have no clue what this means...
not the foggiest.
(, Thu 19 Nov 2009, 0:47, closed)
There was nothing about this post
that didn't make me laugh.
Have a click. I wish I could give it more than one click. I especially like the wonderful footnote.
(, Thu 19 Nov 2009, 6:35, closed)

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