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This is a question Family Feuds

Pooster tells us that a relative was once sent to the shops to buy an onion, while the rest of the family went on a daytrip while he was gone. Meanwhile, whole sections of our extended kin still haven't got over a wedding brawl fifteen years ago – tell us about families at war.

(, Thu 12 Nov 2009, 12:24)
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My Brother the Cunt
This one is long, but the feeling of personal satisfaction was immense!
I was always "The nice child". The quiet, friendly, well mannered one. My Older brother was always "The little shit". However, to me, he was a malicious, spiteful, coniving, horrible, nasty little cunt. A bully & a shit-house who never looked out for me (one time, aged about 8, I got into a fight with a lad from down our street & my brother cheered for him!)

Anyway, years went by & he carried on being a shite. He took pleasure in embarrasing & upsetting me, esp' infront of friends & family & they never realised how much it hurt me (there a slow bunch) Looking back, I realise how jealousy made him do these things, as I was more popular, funny, intelligent & loved than he would ever be. When I was about 18-19, a wonderful thing happened though, he moved out! Soon after, he met a girl, a skinny, rat faced little slapper with a kid from fuck knows who & he fell in love & moved in with her. They where together for years, & in her defence, helped him grow up a bit, however, they split after she had a hysterectomy & he couldn't handle never having a kid of his own (That, & she was well fucking half the lads in her work!).

I'd just quickly like to say, that despite all of what he did, I was never nasty or wicked to him in return. I was always nice, & when he stopped growing at 15 & stayed at 5ft 7 & 9 1/2 stone & I carried on going to 6ft 1 & 20 stone, I always made sure he was safe, got him out of kickings he thoroughly deserved & introduced him to some of the lads I worked on the doors with, so he'd be safe if I wasn't around. Fastforward to my holiday in Malia a few years back, I'd not long split with my girlfriend Hayley & was out there with my mates getting over her, some good nights were had, & the last night was set to be a blinder, a fact made more apparent by the way, at 10 o'clock, me & my mate had gone back to our hotel room to get more money (lots more money!) I just happened to check my phone, & I saw I had a text from him. I opened it up & read this "Iya mate, hows your holiday? Just to let you know, I got off with your ex hayley the other night, but I was wrecked! See you when you get back" I fucking flipped. Years of his shit just built up inside me, I was seething & my last night spectacular was in tatters.

I didn't reply straight away because I literally didn't have enough money to say all the things I wanted to in a phonecall or text from abroad! So, I waited till I got home, & I text him then. "I don't know what the fuck is wrong with you, why the fuck did you feel the need to tell me that on the last night of my holiday & ruin it for me? You are a vile, horrible, little shit-house cunt & I want fuck all to do with you. Don't speak to me or contact me again". Then I waited, 1 minute later, my phone rang, ignored. Rang again, ignored, 20 times, all ignored. Texts, deleted without reading. Then... I told my mum! I sat down & she told me that Karl was upset because I wouldn't speak to him & what had happened between us? So I told her, I then explained that had I of done it to him, I would of been the biggest social pariah in our family & he'd have lorded it over me for life. She agreed. She didn't like him much either, he'd ruined it between him & my mum with his 3pint limit always consisting of 10, thus, acting like an obnoxious, boring cunt infront of friends & family, & she started to hate being round him & better still, seeing him for who he really was. She also told my Nan, who by now he was living with, & she tore strips off him (She thought he was a cunt when he was pissed too!) His entire world fell apart in a matter of weeks, our family were seething with him, there were all manner of stories popping up of things he'd done to piss them off & how they'd ignored it as a one off & now saw him for who he really was. When he went out, my friends ignored him, apart from those who threatened him, some with acts of violence from me, having seen my state of mind on holiday & explaining what I should do to him, he was shitting himself!!!

I didn't see or hear from him for months, my Mum was at no point upset at her 2 boys predicament, because she saw how happy I was, & how utterly miserable he was! One night, whilst waiting for an Indian meal in the restaraunt, 2 girls I knew came in "Oh guess what, your brothers with us, he's just outside". "I'm not speaking to him" I replied. "Oh..." They said. He walked in & saw me & started grovelling at lightning speed. "Fuck off away from me" I said. More grovelling "Just fuck off & leave me alone, I told you, don't speak to me. Ever again". He tried to "Man-up" a bit, & attempt a bit of an angry tone. "Well I didn't know you still fancied her" was his attempt at an argument in his defence. "You spent the whole night trying to get off with her, knowing full well who she was, you followed her home for 20 minutes, until she kissed you to make you go away. If I'd have even contemplated doing something like this with your cock eyed slut of an ex, you'd have spent the rest of your days trying to turn our entire family against me". "No I wouldn't" was his attempt at a comeback. "Just do me a favour, I've asked you nicely, now go away & leave me alone before I smash your fucking face in" He left. Whenever I went to my nans, he'd attempt to speak to me & I'd ignore him, my Nan didn't try & defend him. He was in bits.

A few years passed, & I met a different girl, & we fell in love quickly. My entire family adored her, & she eventually persuaded me to at least be amicable. He'd lost the respect of our whole family, his friends were scared to go out with him incase my mates kicked shit outta them & the only person who could save him, despised him. I caved in & agreed. We spoke, never conversations or friendly, just hello's, goodbye's etc. I told my friends to leave him alone & do as I did, just say hello, that's it. He went from being a horrible little cunt, to being a grovelling, pathetic, whiny little shit-house, always talking me up & saying how great I was to everyone.

A year or so later, our nan passed away suddenly, & after the funeral was over & done with, me, him & my uncle stayed out. He was a joke, he sat there calling himself every shite under the sun, & saying how great I was. My uncle shut him up with a few sentences. "You always have been, & always will be, a horrible little shit. The sole reason your still alive today is because of your younger brother. You litterally owe everything you have to him being on your side. If you's two ever fell out, your world would fall apart in a matter of weeks, you'd have nothing & no-one." We hadn't seen our uncle in 10 years, & he knew nothing of our falling out.

Fuck me, I'm so sorry about the length, but once I started, I couldn't stop
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:10, 17 replies)
honestly mate
you need to bang some paragraphs into that lot
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:14, closed)
go mad - bang some line breaks in after the para's
fuck the rules man we are the internet
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:20, closed)
lookin good

right then guess i should read the fucker now :D
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:21, closed)
Don't say it's shit now! It's not even funny & finishes with a self indulgent moral
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:23, closed)
Duly noted...
Even I struggled reading it back to myself
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:20, closed)
no worries
i'm guessing your both quite young 19, 20 so its not too late to sort it out

let it cool for a while the send him an email, tell him you dont want to lose a brother - lifes too short. dont get into a he said she said match. just tell him you need him to think before he acts a bit more.

then offer to take him out for a pint. be the big brother
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:27, closed)
she was your ex...
so why the fuck did you still care? were you really that jealous and possessive? sorry mate, your brother may have been a pain in the arse, but you just sound like a jealous little whinger
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 1:28, closed)
From the sounds of it - She broke up with him.
I can understand why he'd be upset.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 7:40, closed)
so what?
they were no longer in a relationship.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 23:40, closed)
F*ck me...
Life really is too short for this shit.
So between yourself and your mates you've turned your brother from a cock to spineless bastard...
Not much of a result, really.
I'd sort it out before it's too late.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:06, closed)
That's a really, really long blast of your own trumpet there. For those of a tl;dr persuasion, that can be summarised:

1 - I'm a perfect, blameless angel and my brother is a cunt.
2 - He slept with my ex.
3 - So I destroyed him, enlisting the help of the entire family in the campaign.
4 - Hark at me.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:14, closed)
Go the Axeman
That's one slick summary
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:45, closed)
All that was lacking...
was the Honda Accord
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 18:02, closed)
Sounds like you're both dicks.
You should hang out together, you have a lot in common.

Actually, it sounds like you're well hard and so are all your mates so you're not a dick. You are mint.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:19, closed)
I'm not in the same camp as the other repliers.
I was going to say that it's good you got back in touch and that he does indeed sound very horrible. He obviously must have been something awful during the time you grew up. You only mentioned that in a few lines though so I don't think people thought about that.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 16:48, closed)
Fair play
6ft 1in 20 stone and your brother is 9 stone. Are you sure he is your brother.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 21:58, closed)
jeeeez, come on
sounds like that was quite hard to get off your chest- i'm with you on this one.
(, Mon 16 Nov 2009, 23:00, closed)

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