Gossip and cunnilingus
I have a friend at Uni – let’s call her Anne, for that is her etc etc – who is a huge fan of The Gossip. Now personally I think they’re utter shite, it’s a load of rubbish musicians obscured by a horrendously obese woman who seems to think people will appreciate her getting naked.

As a humourous aside, I remember being at Reading Festival and seeing the aforementioned band perform. The sound of 30,000 people simultaneously groaning through a cringe as she bent over to the crowd in a tiny thong (let’s face it, anything is tiny on her) will live with me forever.

Anyway, one day Anne says to me that she has two tickets to a Gossip gig at Brixton Academy. At the last minute, the friend that she was meant to be going with dropped out and she asked if I wanted to go. Initially I wanted to run a mile but then Anne said, “it’s no problem if you can’t, I can go on my own.”

Now, I may hate The Gossip but not enough to let my attractive female friend go to Brixton alone late at night. So I rearranged my busy schedule (who am I kidding?) and agreed to go. I will admit that the knowledge that Anne would be dolled up, drunk and possibly aroused by seeing her favourite band was a big factor.

We left, got to the gig, queued for an unimaginably stupid amount of time and got in. I was going for free so I could hardly complain but it was shit. I stuck with it though and Anne enjoyed it so I could tune out the dull music, close my eyes when Ditto stripped and bask in the warm fuzzy glow of a good deed for the day.

Of course when the encore was over I thought I was free, but no – Anne wanted to wait outside for the band to leave. Fuck’s sake... by this point I’m committed to the night so I wait outside – in the fucking rain – for the fat bitch and her consort of mediocre musicians. To be fair we weren’t waiting long and the band were out promptly. One thing I will say is they had time for the fans, they spent hours signing albums, posters and body parts. When Beth came to us she signed Anne’s album then looked quizzically at her: “Were you at our gig last week?”

Anne squealed with excitement at being recognised and did the typical gushing “omgyesimlikeyourbiggestfanomgomgomg!” To my incredible shock Beth then asked us both to come with the band to their hotel for drinks. Anne obviously snapped her arm off (but unfortunately didn’t beat her to death with it) and I considered...

Now, I don’t like the band. But it is a band in a genre of music that could be loosely described as “rock”, albeit in the same way that a Suzuki Hayabusa could be loosely described as a “moped”. Therefore, it's a rock band's party. So I thought “fuck it, I’m in this far” and went along.

It was actually pretty awesome. There were ridiculous amounts of drugs (of which I did not partake besides some puff) and ridiculous amounts of drinks (of which I partook heartily) and Anne was positively dripping with excitement talking to Ditto. However, I had to go at about 3am due to work the next day. I spoke to the bassist and he said Anne would get a paid cab back to our flat so I left her to it.

I got in and got to bed around 4 but I was shortly awoken by a rhythmic thumping. I tried to ignore it but it was really quite irritating. I got up, made myself decent and ventured into the hallway down to the front room, where the noise seemed to be coming from.

As I opened the door, I heard a low female moan. I then realised what the noise was, too late – the door was already swinging open and then I saw it. Beth Ditto was sprawled over our sofa like the space blob from a 1950s B-movie, totally naked with pendulous, saggy tits rolling off her monstrous stomach down to her sides. Her oak-trunk legs were splayed to reveal a wet, hairy gash that was being eagerly lapped at by Anne, who buried her head deeper within the folds of flab and flange as Beth bucked and gyrated, thumping the sofa against the wall.

I backed out slowly before returning to bed and lying, trembling, in the foetal position, the horror of the image burnt onto my eyelids whenever I tried to sleep. And all the while I heard the thumps and moans.

And that was my experience for this QOTW – the big guest of Anne.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 13:56, 9 replies)

Good lord
It's started...
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 14:02, closed)

I usually don't go in for these...
... but my friend gave me the pun idea and I have no actual experiences that I can relate to this QOTW.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 14:04, closed)

I'm really sorry
but I don't get the pun. :(

Can someone enlighten me?
(jackhiggs no longer a v!rgin as of..., Fri 17 Apr 2009, 14:23, closed)

Fucks sake,
be glad it was a good answer.
(Vikingheadache, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 14:07, closed)

hehehehe
I almost said 'Pictures or it didn't happen' but didn't for two reasons:

1. I wouldn't want to have to wash my mind out with bleach.

2. I read the last sentence.

You totally had me.
(RustyJames, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 14:11, closed)

That
was bloody excellent.

I hope it wins.

click, click,click.
(BarryChuckle, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 15:08, closed)

Damnit
Another pun slipped in without me noticing until the last line. Have a click.
(TheManWhoWas SlightlyKnackered, Fri 17 Apr 2009, 17:24, closed)

Love it !
You, Sir are a fucking genius!
( SpankyHanky, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 1:40, closed)

From a master of absolute filth...
... that means a lot.
(MJPerry was crude but clickable at, Sat 18 Apr 2009, 19:28, closed)