tiswas
When I was but a little Spimf there were only 3 terrestrial TV channels in the UK. Late night and breakfast television only existed in a space age ‘Tomorrows World’ future where we would all wear shiny white jumpsuits and drive around in hover our cars chomping on space food.

Saturday morning TV was a big deal in the 70’s – on Auntie Beeb you had the safe and dull Mulitcoloured Swap Shop with the towering cuntage of Noel Edmonds – well as much as a bearded proto Beadle midget in stack heels can tower. However on the ‘other side’ you had the unbridled chaos that was Tiswas. For kids that grew up in the seventies Tiswas was the nuts – parents feared it’s anarchic pie flinging tomfoolery, while school playgrounds across the length and breadth of the nation rang with cries of ‘Compost Corner’ and kids writhed on the floor doing the ‘Dying Fly’.

I wont bother trying to explain the format of the show, if you don’t know it:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiswas

One day a letter arrived addressed to 'Master Spimf Esq.' – immediately I knew this was from my rather exotic aunt from ‘down south’ who worked ‘in TV’, inside was an invite to join the audience of Tiswas!

Fuck. Me.

For two weeks I ran around my school telling EVERYONE I would be on the show. I could barely sleep at night. Finally the day came. To be on ‘the set’ was fantastic. I nearly fell over when Sally James ruffled my hair and said I was a ‘nutter’. That was my cue – I did my level best to show off and act up as much as possible in front any camera I could - shouting random stuff and generally being a cocky little shit. The producer asked if I wanted to ‘take part in a link’. I had no clue what that was but boy was I up for it. Basically they wanted to have me stand on a small podium and deliver the line ‘and now it's time more rubbish’ while they pelted me with.. well, rubbish. For reason unknown they also wanted me to put on this ridiculous foam seagull costume – which I still remember the foul smell of to this day. It was also a complete bastard to move about in.

So there I am – little Mr Cocky Knickers standing on my podium waiting on my big moment. I could envisage all my little mates: lime green with envy as they saw me, live on the coolest thing on telly. I would easily be the coolest kid in school.

Then it came – I got the nod to deliver my line straight to camera.

Naturally my arse collapsed and I froze like a deer in the headlamps. Dead air.

A small silent twat in a seagull suit was beamed to a bewildered nation.

Suddenly, some cunt throwing a bucket of freezing cold water straight in my face broke the spell – such was the nature of the show. I was so shocked I started to cry. I tried to wipe my face, but couldn’t move in the stupid fucking bird suit, lost my footing, wobbled and flailed in a vain attempt to stay upright on the wet podium - then fell flat on my arse. The whole studio fell apart, as no doubt did 8 million viewers. Humiliation was not the word, in fact - Tiswas, my moist gull wobble moment!
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 18:23, 5 replies)

pearoast from 'my most gullible moment'
i NEVER apologise


sorry
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 18:25, closed)

Barsteward!
I was going to worship at your feet for getting on Tiswas.

I bloody loved that programme.
( girlinthehole, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 18:58, closed)

two things...

firstly, does this post mean that you are back? (and not just in an Arnie way?) I want answers dammmit!

and second...this post rocks...mucho clickage
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Sun 19 Apr 2009, 19:09, closed)

Hmmm.

( jim_bob can herd cats., Sun 19 Apr 2009, 19:10, closed)

Nice spang

( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Sun 19 Apr 2009, 19:25, closed)