Aphex Twin
“Pass me my squeezebox”.

“You what Richard? Your squeezebox?”

The Twin looked at me like I’d just done a poo on his best curtains and told me that yes, he wanted his squeezebox. Something to do with a tune.

The man’s a nutter- he’s my milkman and lives in a run down house near the ring road. This one time down the pub he’d been on the Gold Label, got drunk and puked in an ashtray- we’d never seen such chunky vom. The landlord got him to his feet and promptly barred him.

Later that day, during a hurried game of Dynamite Dan on my beloved Spectrum Plus 2 128k, I got a phone call.

It was the police.

They’d found him naked and painted blue, wandering near the woods. He was in the car, they were on their way round here.

They arrived at the door. Richard was blue and had a copper’s helmet covering ‘Stephen and the Twins’. He shivered, looked down the length of his nose, winked at me and continued squinting at me through his left eye.

I signed the paperwork and sent the policemen on their way.

“Such nice fellows!” I thought to myself.

Richard farted and told me he could read my thoughts. Nerds would never be reintroduced in sweetshops- Jawbreakers may have made a long overdue return, but Nerds, well, Nerds was a no fly zone for sweets fans.

I’d been thinking about crisps- Discos in fact, and the strangely named Frisps. He was close with sweets so I let the mistake pass.

I shed a tear and put the kettle on.

I returned and he was mumbling. Cheesesocks? Jeyecloths? What was it? I leaned in closer. Squeezebox!

I passed it to him, gave him my housekeys and turned my back on him.

I never saw my milkman again.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 19:28, 4 replies)

but had you
but had you placed some oranges under the oxters the odds of hands extending waywards might have suited the visitation and subsequent departure far less appropriately than the lepers would have wished.

it's always the shaggin same...
(The Cats Twat, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 19:44, closed)

Of course not.
That would be silly.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 21:10, closed)

Can you send me some of whatever you've been taking?
(username1, Wed 22 Apr 2009, 21:24, closed)

I love this.
As much, if not more, than the Ross one.
Please do more.
( Wet-chinned bag shanker Cannot parse Wogan, Thu 23 Apr 2009, 10:42, closed)