Most important farting tip ever!
I can be a little trumpy at times. Had anyone else noticed that the ones that just sort of [sigh] out are the smelliest? But I digress.

Being of a trumpy type, I often used to find myself in meetings at work with a bowel full of gas, and unable to release it. Stomachular noises would ensue as my colon would recycle the gasses back into my intestines and back again (Is that just me? It's a most peculiar sensation). But then: THE ANSWER!

After completing your toilet, but before pulling up the kecks, take four sheets of toilet paper, still connected together. Fold in half, and then half again, so you have a single sheet, four times thickness. Press this between your spread arse cheeks to that the 'Mountain fold' thus formed lies pretty much central, with your nipsy pressed against the paper. Release cheek control, clamping the paper between the cheeks.

REMEMBER TO CONTINUE THE DRESSING PROCESS

You can now trump to your heart's content. The inability of the nipsy to 'speak' means that the gasses escape with nary a peep nor a squeek.

This tip is also useful for lardoes who suffer from sweaty-crack and the associated itching.

I call it 'The Grunt Baffle', and it is patented.

You may now read on.
( moogthedog, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:50, Reply)