* PFFT *I've been pretty farty all week, but 2 large helpings of sausage and lentil stew last night have really tipped things over the edge. I swear you can see these ones.
I'm here at work trying to hold them in so I (a) don't have to keep nipping to the loo like a madman and (b) don't gas half the office, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. I might rupture something if I'm not careful.
Tell us all about your own fartiness.
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chthonic, Fri 13 Jul 2007, 14:01)
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What really kills you in your own home..I graduated from Uni on 2005 and spend the summer madly earning money to go out to America to visit my girlfriend, who dumped me 2 days after i'd arrived, though I still had to spend a month living with her family as I couldn't afford the charge to get an earlier flight. One night, while she was feeling the strain of having to be civil with someone she'd just horribly broken up with, she brought out a big box of assorted sweets. Cola bottles, chewy things I don't know the names of, red tape, the works. So we munched away on these until feeling ill, then decided to call it a night. I went to my room, lay down and instantly had the "whoop! time to get back up!" feeling, ran to the toilet and promptly shat out the entire contents of my large intestine. But it wasn't done yet, oh no. With nothing left to come out, I started farting noisily, until I shat out the contents of my stomach in a stinky liquid stream. But the farting wouldn't stop. With nothing left to come out, I felt safe enough to return to my bed and try to sleep. After continuing to have tremendous farts for another hour I eventually nodded off at about 1am, only to be woken up 2 hours later by a loud, blaring alarm. I looked around frantically thinking "House fire?!" but there was no longer an alarm and no smoke, I turned the lights on and checked the smoke alarm but it seemed ok. So I went back to bed, letting out yet another colossal fart as I did so. 15 minutes later the alarm went off again, and again I looked about, checked the alarm, wondered why noone else had been woken up etc, then sat in bed thinking "what the hell is causing this, both the farts and the alarms?". I turned the lights off and looked around again, noticing this time that there was a flashing light coming from under the wardrobe. I turned the light back on, pulled the wardrobe away and found the culprit. The air content detector, with a big flashing light next to the "WARNING: GAS LEVELS APPROACHING TOXIC - INCREASE VENTILATION" warning.
I was farting myself to death.
I popped it outside my room and opened all the windows so as not to be woken up again, then farted my way back into a slumber.
Makes me think - someone, somewhere, has in fact farted themself to death.
(, Sat 14 Jul 2007, 19:11, Reply)
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