World's Slowest Mugging
A dry Glastonbury, some point in the mid 90's.

A couple of years after graduating my group of friends finally had the money to do festivals with a small degree of comfort, before falling into the money pits of property ownership.

We had a nice little camp site setup on the Thursday, tents in a circle with an awning and tarpaulin in the middle, for some where to sit out of the sun or rain.

I woke up early, and wandered off to get a coffee, returning to find my mate Rod skinning up. Result, the sun is shining, I'm not in the fucking office, and I'm in the middle of a field sharing a joint with a friend. Life is pretty good.

At this point my morning took a turn for the slightly odd.

A couple of young blokes wander up, dressed as if about to enter a 'Thieving Scally of the Year' competition - crap trackie bottoms, expensive trainers, and baseball caps not being the fashion of choice for indie kids at the time.

"Oi - what are you doing on our groundsheet?" they asked, revealing themselves to be denizens of that legendary citadel of moral rectitude, Liverpool.

Rod and I calmly suggested they were mistaken, given we owned it, and engaged in some light hearted banter.

One of the scousers got bored and wandered off, at which point we realised there were a good dozen of them within a hundred yards. The other northern monkey had taken offense to my having been sat down.

"Get Up"

"What?"

"Get up so you can fight me!"

"Nah, I don't want to fight you" - this guy was 5'6", I'm 6'2". I have no interest in getting in a fight with anyone.

"Get up or I'll kick you up" - I stand up, and then sit down again. Rod and me are pretty damn calm, but I think it was down to the couple of spliffs we'd had by that point rather than natural cool. The lack of reaction isn't helping our case.

"Come on, I want to fight you" - the bad scouse stereotype then pulls a knife.

"I don't need this knife to take you" - he throws the knife away. At this point I'm considering taking him up on his offer, I have six mates and their partners in the surrounding tents, but there are still a dozen scousers nearby, and it would be a really bad idea.

"Nah mate, fancy a smoke instead?"

This continued for a while, until he finally twigged I would not fight, so he changed his approach.

"Got any money, give it to me and I'll go away" - great, we now have the world's slowest mugging.

"We don't have any money, sure you don't fancy a smoke?"

"You must have, give it to me and I'll go"

At this point Rod chips in, "Here's a fiver", which is grabbed with haste.

Instead of departing immediately, our guest gives us both a hug, apologies for his behaviour, and claims he'd taken a bad 'E', and then disappears.

So I feel I have empirical evidence for using the term "Thieving Scouse Bastard" as this is the only time I've been mugged.
(Scooby Don't, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 15:05, 3 replies)

.
you mug.
(paddysawyers music whore, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 15:16, closed)

.
Thanks for the erudite addition to the board.
(Scooby Don't, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 15:25, closed)

How bizarre.
Mind you, if I'd been several joints the worse for wear I would probably have pissed myself laughing right up until I got stabbed.
I think a fiver to get rid of the silly cunts was cheap, myself.
(berk, Fri 5 Jun 2009, 15:41, closed)