Eating Out
Valerie and I really hit it off. She was a mate of a mate and we met up on a night out in Camden. We sat and talked utter bollocks for most of the night, getting steadily more and more pished as newts on lager and malibu chasers. Near closing time I felt a constricting pain in my leg - I thought it was the onset of a heart attack but then, glancing under the table, I realized Valerie was kneading my thigh and digging her long painted nails into me. Ooooohh!

Her hand trailed up my leg and she started rubbing at my crotch with such vigour and determination I almost expected a genie to miraculously appear from the end of my japs eye.

"There's a park just over the way," Valerie breathed. "I really, really, really want you to go down on me..."

About twenty seconds later we were in the park. We found a quiet, peaceful place behind a row of bushes and had a full and through spit exchange. Then Valerie, framed by the luminous moonlight, reclined on the soft dank grass and hitched up her skirt. She removed her knickers and spread her legs and started to rub at her oversized clit; it resembled the tip of a big pink thumb, and it appeared to grow as she stroked and teased it, glistening in the soft moonlight.

"Lick me!" she ordered.

I got down on my knees quicker than a Catholic who'd just seen a vision of the Virgin Mary and started lapping at Valerie's juicy lady garden. I burrowed my tongue inside her furry kebab and drank her juices. And she tasted, well, she tasted a bit... funny... a bit... odd... But I'm a trooper and continued lapping away like a kitten drinking down a saucer of warm milk.

And then I heard a tremendous growl. It was my stomach. Fuck... I really didn't feel too good. And then I heard an amazing rectal discharge - it scared the hell out of me. And then I realised it was my own arse making all the racket. I stopped my cunning linguistics and sat back on the grass.

"I don't feel too good," I said as I licked my lips, clearing my mouth and chin of Valerie's thick, creamy lady gloop.

Valerie continued to play with herself. I sat and stared. I was feeling ill, but that didn't mean I was any less of a pervert. Then, as my eyes accustomed to the dim moonlight, I noticed something... peculiar about Valerie's vag. It was slick. It was also puffy - too fucking puffy.

My eyes widened as the utterly disgusting realisation dawned on me. I bent over double and puked violently on the grass. Valerie's love tunnel was diseased in some way. It was swollen with yellowish puss and ulcerated and I had, in my eagerness, swallowed a shitload of this creamy purulent discharge.

"I've gotta go," I stammered, as I got to my feet and legged it, leaving Valerie alone in the park to finish herself off.

Its true what they say: Fester Val eating can make you as sick as a fucking dog...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:21, 12 replies)

Think I just threw up there
great post spanky you sick cunt
(Lizard King, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:26, closed)

Spang.
Cunt. Have a click for me being unable to figure it out quick enough.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:27, closed)

Bad licking!
That is so funny...you tell it so well....ha ha
(Undercoverbitch *-*, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:39, closed)

Oh man
you're more twisted than "Twisted Sister", and they're pretty twisted. Sister.
( Colonel Dracula Two manky hookers and a racist dwarf, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:43, closed)

Play on words..
I was originally going to go with a 'Fess to Val' approach, but I could'nt get a decent angle on it..

*clicks*
(danniekavanagh did nothing constructive on, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 11:54, closed)

Rank
but you get a click for the genie from the end of my japs eye bit :)
( pixel_fucker is going to need a bigger brush, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:46, closed)

I was
Just about to eat.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.
( MatJ LOOK, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:50, closed)

Don't think
I'll be eating cream cheese for a while after reading this. You are a seriously sick man, still get a click tho
(Errin C, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:55, closed)

HAHAHAHAHA
thats good! thats dead good! sick, but good!
(killer weedy, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 13:56, closed)

I think I may have sicked up in my mouth a little
twas a good *spang* though, well done.
(berk, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 14:25, closed)

I didn't get it until the last sentence...
...and I can't believe it. I normally pride myself on spotting a pun early on, but I got a bit carried away with the description of the "creamy purulent discharge".

Have a *click*, you spangworthy swine
( TheMagicDwarf is back like ballroom dancing, Tue 9 Jun 2009, 16:25, closed)

You bastard!!
I was sick in my own mouth. I should have figured it was you... "click"
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Tue 9 Jun 2009, 23:12, closed)