I've not had many real fights
One that springs to mind was when a group of my friends from school were visiting another mate at his university. My arch-nemesis* was there and unbeknownst to me, he'd been talking to a girl on the internet and was intent on making her his girlfriend. I'd met this girl independently and thought she was rather lovely and I was fairly sure that she liked me. Anyway my arch-nemesis got wind of this and demanded retribution, outside, for making moves on "his" girl. Now my arch-nemesis has published a book on martial arts, he's been training since he was a kid and while he's not tall, he's built like the proverbial. And at this point he was really, really angry with me so figuring that he wasn't going to let it go, I followed him outside along with an entourage of our friends who, if they weren't chanting "Fight! Fight! Fight!", were in this version of the story.

So finally I was facing my arch-nemesis on a university campus in the early hours of the morning and like any skinny, gobby shite I was winding him up and provoking him until he went for me. Which he did. Now I don't know if it was the heroic amount of beer and vodka he'd drunk, his extra body mass, that he wasn't terribly good at martial arts despite all his protestations to the contrary or a combination of all three, but he was slow. I mean, really fucking slow. The Matrix hadn't even been made then, but looking back it was like I was fighting in bullet-time. So every time he tried to punch or kick me (after telegraphing it for what felt like an eternity first) by the time the blow had landed where I'd been, I was somewhere else. Precisely, I'd run around behind him and was pretending to shag him up the arse.

Now for some reason this jocularity just made him angrier, so he'd turn around and launch into another laboriously slow move that he'd obviously practised but never used in a fight situation, and yet again by the time he'd finished it I was holding onto his belt and energetically dry-humping him. It occurred to me that this wasn't a sustainable strategy as sooner or later I was going to get tired dancing around him and if one of his clumsy haymakers eventually connected it would definitely hurt a lot but at the same time it was exhilarating to be winning a fight without actually throwing a punch, like holding a tiger by the tail.

Anyway, it fizzled out when one of our (much harder than both of us) mates stepped in to retrain my nemesis and told me to piss off while he calmed him down, because at this point he was red-faced and almost literally steaming with anger and frustration. So I went back to the party which I later left with a young lady, while my nemesis went back to wooing "his" woman on the internet, which I don't believe worked out that well. We're still nemeses now, though, and can laugh about it all these years later. Probably.

*More of an affectionate term than anything, as even during the Great War we'd still meet up for a beer and a game of chess every so often.
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 21:44, 12 replies)

'Nemeses'
excellent conjugation :-)
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Fri 15 Mar 2013, 22:11, closed)

What?
It's just the plural, like bases and analyses.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 22:23, closed)

Yeah - Martin and Kingsley - the Ames

( 4Q just lurking, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 23:14, closed)

This made me snigger
and for that you must DIE.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 15 Mar 2013, 23:36, closed)

firm but fair

( 4Q just lurking, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 1:32, closed)

[Clever joke about the biological assay that helps determine the mutagenic potential of the tested chemical compound(s) goes here]!!!

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 0:17, closed)

It's interesting which Latin plurals we use and which we don't
People say "crises" but they don't say "penes", in fact they're more likely to mistake penis for a second-declension noun and say "peni", or use the correct English plural "penises". While we're in that area, "testes" as the plural of testis is commonly used, while "pelves" as the plural of pelvis isn't. Third-declension nouns that come from Greek have even more fun plurals - my favourite has to be "clitorides" though it doesn't come up in conversation often, but if someone says "octopi" I'll often mutter "octopodes" under my breath like some kind of OCD grammar freak :/
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:01, closed)

I always use 'octopodes'
And people who use 'referenda' clearly don't understand Latin grammar.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:51, closed)

I like to make up pseudo plurals just to upset people in exactly this manner.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 16:01, closed)

I think you mean "plurali".

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 16:58, closed)

I know you meant "restrain"
but the image of your opponent learning a new combat discipline in the middle of a fight is rather amusing
(An Alien sneezed on Bill Oddies binoculars, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:21, closed)

Heh, I'll leave it, it is quite an amusing image

( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Sat 16 Mar 2013, 10:29, closed)