Candles are the answer
Really! You only need one.

Just leave it, pop off to bed and wake with the smoke pouring under your door.

Call the boys in red.

Call the insurance company.

Equals

Proffesionally cleaned house, all clothes dry cleaned, new sofa, carpets and as a touch get the place decorated.

Cost: only £500 excess.

Popping home now to see if the builders have finished my kitchen and if the decorators have papered the hall / stairs / landing.

The above is true and there is a lot more but I can't be too specific as the claim adjuster may identify me.

But seriously - if you are cooking and your fire alarm goes off - put the fucking batteries back in asap. I was lucky, you may not be!

Going to invite the claims adjuster to my house warming so he can be proud of what his company splashed out on.
(Suck it and Sea, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 18:28, 15 replies)

house warming
didn't you do a good enough job the first time? ha ha badum-tish.
(zenmeban thinks the weather could be better, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 18:49, closed)

good point
I'll have to re think the invites!

No 'toasting' or flaming sambuca's etc either.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 18:40, closed)

Do <b>not</b> try this at home
Unless you're very comfortable with the idea of spending some involuntary time away from it.

I'm hoping this is a form of trolling; perhaps intended to provoke a volly of comments along the lines of "Quit increasing *our* premiums with your fraudulent shenanigans"; but you won't get a rise from me.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 18:52, closed)

I dunno,
it sounds to me like he's trying to make light of a bad situation.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 19:26, closed)

Do you really think
that insurance companies put their premiums up cos people make claims? They put them up to make more money, no other reason. Find out what the boss of your ins co made last year, then the year before and see what was more your premium increase as a percentage or his salary increase as a percentage.
(Wagane, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 23:58, closed)

So you are part of the fuckin' reason my premium is going up and I haven't made any claims.....
( Vambo, Mon 29 Mar 2010, 22:04, closed)

I hope you're just trolling
Because if not, then you're a cunt.
(EuroSong I love horse meat: best of all the animals, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 1:07, closed)

Why would you need to put the batteries back
if the alarm is going off?

Confusing lie is confusing.
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 1:33, closed)

Fire Alarm
I was cooking earlier in the day and as my house was built pre 1993(?) It does not have to have an alarm wired into the mains, so to stop the buggers going off I took the batteries out.

What I failed to do was put them back in before I went to bed.

If you dis-connect a mains wired alarm the insurance company will invalidate your claim!

Most of the damage was caused by soot which was liberally dispensed around the house by the fire brigade using a huge fan at the front door and blowing the smoke out of every window.

I was told that in the States Insurance Companies will only pay out for damage for the room where the fire occurred, so could have been a serious problem. (Cousins over the pond to confirm)
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 8:54, closed)

My friend and I used to work in fraudulent claims investigation for a big insurer....
Between us we covered both Home, Car & PPI claims and I'll tell you (as vindictive as it sounds) there are few greater pleasures in life than talking to a mouth-breathing chav on the phone, who has just burnt down their whole house for the insurance payout, and telling them we have indisputable evidence they did it on purpose and they aren't getting a penny.... enjoy the smouldering remains of your life you cunt.

Put it this way, if you do it a lot, you WILL get caught. Just do it once, maybe twice.

Plus it taught me a few tricks about how to avoid getting caught as well
(The_Mighty_Spleen, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 4:53, closed)

Candles are for fucking idiots
as I think this post has nicely proved
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 10:06, closed)

I was involved in a house fire just before Christmas casused by a candle.
My landlords insurance didn't cover me, my flatmate or my three cats being rehomed. We lost nearly everything.
I'm still bearing both the mental and physical scars of trying to get out of a burning building in the pitch black and not being able to breathe.
The smoke alarm and carbon monoxide alarm both failed to go off.

I wish there was an 'I don't like this' button.
(Nanny Pat vote for me, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 14:44, closed)

scars
I know what you mean by scars, and having to get outside a burning building. I can't watch that advert on tv (where they are 'drowning' in smoke) I have to turn it over.


One day I'll tell who else was in the building with me - but not yet.
(Suck it and Sea, Tue 30 Mar 2010, 18:38, closed)

was it
Arnold from 'Diff'rent Strokes'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 0:44, closed)

Batman?

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Wed 31 Mar 2010, 10:11, closed)