Coke can
Last week whilst attending the drudgery fest that masquerades laughingly as my job I felt the rumblings in my bowel that heralded an overwhelming urge to release the chocolate hostage. Dutifully I logged off my computer and made my way to the downstairs gents in search of a suitable porcelain receptacle where I could park my pristine backside and drop the kids off at the pool.

Perhaps I should have been warned by the grey faced man who pushed his way past me as I opened the door to the toilets, but my thoughts were on my badly rumbling guts and the relief that I was about to obtain. So I paid him no heed and entered that room a relative innocent with no thoughts of the horror that was to come.

The first thing that hit me was the smell. Now due to inadequate drains and the usual casual attitude to accuracy displayed by men stood at the urinal the gents was never the most pleasantly fragrant part of the building. But this was new. This was different. It smelled like someone had taken something blasphemous and 6 months dead and fermented it for a fortnight in a blocked Turkish sewer. I reeled back under the jack hammer assault to my nostrils but my need was great and like a fool I pressed on. With trepidation and one hand covering my nose and mouth I pushed aside the door to trap one.
If the smell was bad it was nothing compared to what lay in wait inside. Firstly without the flimsy protection offered by the thin cubicle door the smell actually got slightly worse, but this wasn’t what caused me to nearly redecorate the walls a fetching green colour. No what lay in wait in the pan was much much worse. Calling it a turd would have like been like calling the QE2 a boat it just didn’t do it justice. This thing was at least as big around as a coke can and one end stuck a good 4 inches out of the turgid water. The devil alone only knows how its owner had parted with it but its chocolate starfish destroying qualities were evident in the several breather rings that had been left along its considerable length and the red tinge of blood in the water.

I staggered out of the bathroom leaving the grisly discovery for someone else and still desperate to drop my quads used the disabled facilities instead. As I sat however recovering from the shock of such a gruesome discovery I did get to thinking about who would leave such a monster without pulling the flush. Only then did the true twisted nature of the perpetrator of this poo crime dawn on me. You see whoever had left this monster unflushed had done so without leaving any evidence of toilet paper in the chod bin. Clearly whoever had done so had been so proud and eager to show off his fecal baby that he had forgone wiping his arse in order to leave the view unobstructed for those unlucky enough to follow.

The aftermath was disappointing. After a complaint from the cleaners, a terse (and cryptic) email from the boss and possibly a change of diet and a visit to a proctologist the phantom turd displayer never repeated his performance.


Tl:dr someone left a massive shit in the gents and didn’t wipe
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 15:09, 4 replies)

Your children are made of chocolate?

( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 15:28, closed)

This
Sounds incredibly like a pooflake post from a while ago.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 2 Feb 2012, 16:21, closed)

I was inspired by pooflake
But the story is all my own and did happen. just think of it as Pooflake light
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Fri 3 Feb 2012, 9:53, closed)

*Flattered*...

I don't think I've ever 'inspired' anybody before.

I've incited hatred a few times, but never inspired.

So thanks - (I think)...and your post is very good - verily I will click thee.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Fri 3 Feb 2012, 11:47, closed)

May be they did wipe
and flush and the paper went but the tod stood still?
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Sun 5 Feb 2012, 17:58, closed)

Well i didn't hang around to examine it in great detail but i saw blood in the water as well so i don't think so.

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Mon 6 Feb 2012, 10:22, closed)