Robert Di Niro's waiting...

...talking Italian.

Or not, as the case may be.

When my mum spat me out of her growler I think my parents took one look at me and thought: This child will be fortunate if he learns to speak English, let alone trying to teach him Italian.

So, I'm from an Italian family but can't speak a word of Italian. Not one pissing word.

Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I meet the wonderful, amazing, and quite frankly dirty Ms Hanky. My compact Welsh girlfriend whom I love so much I am trying (so far without success) to impregnate on a nightly basis.

When we first started knocking boots together, and in the heat of passion, she whispers in my ear:

'Say something in Italian, that would REALLY turn me on.'

OH FUCK ME RIDGID! Thinks I. I felt like getting on the phone to my dear old mum and dad and complaining that their inability to teach me Italian as a small child would probably affect my chances of having sex up the wrong un for the rest of my life.

Instead I made something up. I actually recreated Italian and whispered sweet nothings (quite literally) into my girlfriends ear. It was pretty easy to do, to be honest. Just pile straight ahead with it with a bit of confidence, say something as sexily as you can and put a load of 'a's and 'o's on the end. Hey presto - Italian!

And, sweet Jesus, did it work! All I had to do is start speaking this utter bollocks to Ms Hanky and she would want a ride on the pink pogo stick.

Then last year the inevitable happened.

Ms Hanky suggested we go on holiday to Italy, what with me speaking the language like a native it made perfect sense.

OH FUCKINHELL!!!

Fitting in???

You don't know the half of it. Try walking round Rome going into shops talking complete and utter gibberish to the perplexed looking locals in an attempt to get some service.

Ms Hanky thought I was fitting in perfectly.

I think the Italian authorities were probably on the verge of locking me away for being a fucking mentalist.
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 16:19, 13 replies)

*applause*
You poor bugger.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 16:22, closed)

Hehe
That's great! Clicky! I feel the same way because my parents prevented me from learning Dutch even though my older brothers and sisters do!
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 16:23, closed)

My mum
says I looked, and I quote 'a bit slow', when I was a baby...

Can't honestly remember the last time I saw a baby doing long fucking division but hey-ho.

Go on! Recreate Dutch! You know it makes sense!
( SpankyHanky, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 16:26, closed)

hahahahahaha
I love the fact that you didn't give up at all, nice 1 :D
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 17:47, closed)

Italian is a bitch to learn.
I used to go into shops and gesticulate at people and things and just go "that one please" like the guy from Little Britain. And yet I apparently have a BA in French and Italian. Hmm.
( Maladicta, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 18:56, closed)

.
Isn't there something like this in a fish called Wanda? Or am I making it up? It's been ages since I've seen that film.
(WarneMarsh My priority for frivolity begets quality jollity, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 19:54, closed)

I think
you're referring to the bit where John Cleese gets whatserface turned on by prancing about stripping and talking Russian.

Although I can't think why the hell I remember that.

*shames*
(Penguins_Made_Me_Do_It is a dolt ... and she don't care, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 20:03, closed)

jamie lee curtis:

daughter of tony curtis and janet leigh

now sits in the uk house of lords as Lady Haden-Guest

she was a guest at the diana funeral not so much because she knew her but because she is now PROPER establishment - not bad for a merkin

was known as 'the body' most men of my age remember her getting her FANTASTIC baps out in trading places

by all accounts she is a top bird - doesn't give a fuck about hollywood crap and has never had so much as a stitch of plastic surgery

i still would

defo
( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 21:30, closed)

You do realise that, at some point,
she's going to raise the whole "talk to your kids in Italian so they'll pick it up" thing, don't you?
(dxg, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 11:04, closed)

exactly
sounds like time for some secret night classes
(xanthine, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 0:53, closed)

I think
my brain gave way to my cock on that one...
( SpankyHanky, Mon 19 Jan 2009, 20:58, closed)

Bapeda boopay?

(Did you have a moustache at the time?)

uk.youtube.com/watch?v=9JhuOicPFZY
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 6:34, closed)

Ha!!!
Thats great! It was shockingly similar to that only without the tash... Thinking about it that wouldve been a good idea...
( SpankyHanky, Tue 20 Jan 2009, 7:55, closed)