Someone at school lied about shagging his gf to impress everyone
This went on for well over a year. Classic cases involved him coming in looking smug and saying about how he got laid, making up stories where they did it and so forth.

They broke up, and once on msn he told me how worried he was that his now-ex was coming over and he wouldn't be able to control himself, even though she was now with his mate. Bout an hour passed and he logged in again telling me about how it happened on the desk and he was really guilty.

The stories of the sex got out to his ex, who then continued to inform everyone that they had never slept together and he was still a virgin. His reputation plummeted and was then seen as a lying freak with severe issues.

Waste of time in all really, as nobody else in our group had had sex so if anything, it didn't make him fit in but made him look more of a sexpest and a smug gimp before the truth got out anyway.

Found him on Facebook lately, I'm tempted to tell his now-girlfriend about it and see if he's still doing that lie
(Stu in the hat is frothing at the gash, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 16:50, 3 replies)

I bombed Iraq.
Well, everyone else was doing it. Ok, ok, one really cool kid was doing it, but he said I could have a go on his ex after.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 15:06, Reply)

90's school fashions.
wore my red and black checked lumberjack shirt over a black "body" to death. the body was a pain in the arse every time i needed to pee. which is quite often, when you are a 14 year old scrote drinking illicit cider in the park. and the lumberjack shirt made me look like a very butch lezzer. but everyone else in stockport was wearing them, so i did too.

bleached the front two strands of my very dark hair white blonde. why was this ever considered a good look? mine just turned to overprocessed straw. i looked like wurzel gummidge.

drank so much kwiksave economy vodka that i passed out on the gravel and very nearly had to be stomachpumped.

snogged lots of horrible random men because everyone else was pulling left, right and centre.

however, i am pleased that i avoided:

perms
smoking
bullying
stealing
lipstick lesbianism
( rachelswipe with a fork, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 12:18, 8 replies)

I pretended to be all 'right-on' and lefty in the 70s.
I think I took it a bit far.

Signed,
Patricia Hearst.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 11:25, Reply)

To "fit in" ...
... I wear a suit and tie - and turn up at the same place and same time everybody else does.

Length? 5 days a week for 14 years (so far)
(fatboybubba, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 9:21, 3 replies)

I Give Up
which I suppose means I fit in just perfectly as a longtime emo. Not that I care, or anything.
(dadadali has hybrid vigour, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 7:26, 1 reply)

piles.PILES.
back when i was young and leafy,and the world was bronzed,smooth-skinned and youthful, there was a big craze for the pokemon cards.Being the young,wealthy twat I was I had to get some too,if only to fit in.However,my older,more cynical mate pulled me from Woolworths (remember that?Me neither.) at the last minute and delivered a lecture on the danger of 'piles'.
'Why do you call these shiny pieces of printed card 'piles',older-and-more-experienced-friend?' quoth I.
'Sooner or later every arsehole gets them.' said he,peeling a grapefruit with a small,small knife.

How right he was.
(Fuckpig "That's not even a pound a midget.", Sun 18 Jan 2009, 4:24, Reply)

I am a sad old man......
And I have to make up stories on some crappy forum so I can fit in with a bunch of other wankers that I have never met, just to soothe my old man ego that actually, sitting in a dark room on a weekend evening, with my wife having left me and taken the kids, and no chance of ever finding a lady friend again, is a cool and smart way to live my life.

As long as I have the approval of strangers, I am a cool dude.

Or a sad old man.
You choose..............
(leglesss let that be a lesson to you, Sun 18 Jan 2009, 1:33, 14 replies)

Tesco Value
I was always one of those kids who faded into the background...and tried my hardest to fit it. So I have a few stories to tell...but I'll keep them short:

Knicking chewing gums from the local newsagent (And I mean packets of them) to dish out to all the chavs whos needed to look hard.

Knicking Pokemon cards from Tesco (Don't ask why...I still don't know)

Downing a half a bottle of white lightning in a minute and promtly spewed most of it back up before passing out and finding myself waking up on my parents sofa having to explain to my mother why I was in such a fragile state. I was also naked from the waste down when I awoke (Albeit covered by a blanket)

Repeating this 2 years later except in the comfort of a pub and 14 shots of whatever my mates brought me.

Smoking...bleughhh! Don't do it kids!

Dared to drink my own piss...it was warm and bubbly...

Shopping trolley + Drunk friends + Myself in trolley= Being collared by Tesco security...after crashing into him by being pushed full pelt at his knees.

Truth or dare is also bad when you're 13 years old and have no pubes...this is quite traumatic and leads to years of verbal abuse about small cock and bald balls (I think I've caught up now...)

There's probably more but brain damage has probably slowed my train of thought down.

Length? Don't...just don't!
( sausagesucker just paid £5.00 for a cup of Tea!, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 22:24, 1 reply)

Snow White
I turned my back on my rich, comfortable, easy lifestyle and ran away to live with seven dwarves in a hovel in a forest. I did all their housework so they'd accept me and let me stay.
Looking back, it wasn't big and it wasn't clever.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 17:41, 4 replies)

I pretend
that 99% of all movies that are released don't either bore me to death or make me hark back to when 'twere all fields and films weren't shit.

In doing so, part of my soul has died, as I pretend to like Saw 83.
( baw__bag contains traces of nuts on, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 14:55, 3 replies)

as a horny bisexual teen college co-ed,
I have to pretend to be a socially awkward 40 year-old man to be accepted on swinger sites.

It's quite a lonely existence - pretending that pictures of a fetid, wobbling cock nestling in a hairy gut are of me; having to write like a retarded lolcat instead of using actual words...

*sigh* I suppose one day I'll find a place I can be myself.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 14:40, 1 reply)

I came up with the perfect image.
It appeals to everyone on the internet: emos and people who like cats.


(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 14:38, 1 reply)

Porn tomfoolery
Most people on here have multiple personas we use to fit in. Home, work, friends and online we are different in each environment. I am no different.

One of my online personas is that of a young lady. A rather dirty young lady who quite frankly loves the attention she gets from a multitude of men. She is a nice girl really, but loves to play the slut to fit in.

Allow me to explain.

I am currently in a fairly long distance relationship. We only see each other a couple of times a month and as such I often get a little *ahem* tense. Therefore I often frequent gentleman's interest websites and enjoy their content.

I'm not particularly proud of this, its a little sad, but having said that I am not really ashamed either. It beats going out killing hookers or touching kids for ones jollys.

Anyway.

As anyone who has ever trawled through free porn sites knows, you can often find yourself going through page after page of crap on these sites looking for something to your taste (eg not an obese granny being fisted). So when you find a film you like, its nice to be able to keep it for reference.

This is how 'Tammy' was born. You see many of these sites have 'favourite' buttons, but to use these you need a profile.

So I set one up, silly user name, no info in the profile etc. and started adding films. Despite the fact that I had no information about 'me' and the fact that my name user-name suggested I was male, I started getting friend requests, mostly from quite frankly disgusting men.

At first I just ignored them, but then one day out of boredom I accepted a few and started to look through the profiles. I found that about 20-30% of the active profiles were women and of course the seedy men were drawn to them like flies on shit.

Most of these women just had a profile pic (non-porny) and some basic info yet still had armies of men writing such delectable love poetry as.

"OMGZ ur luek well fit I wanna fuck you yeah. msn me at [email protected]"

These however we just the teasers. The real alpha females were the ones who put grot pics and films on their profiles. These are the queen bees of the site and had men fawning. I found it all quite amusing and wondered if I too could be that popular.

So I added a profile pic. A rather 'revealing' private image it could be called, equally it could be called pure satanic filth. Sure enough requests came flooding in. I was a popular girl, just because my profile picture was of an anonymous chuff!

The more info and pics I added the more men flocked to me. Tammy became fully rounded individual, she likes sport, travel and big cocks. She is single, works a boring office job in LA, would like to go traveling and wants to try a threesome with two black guys. The dirty old men lap it up.

I never respond to any of these chaps who serenade me with beautiful words like.

"I wanna screw ur tight a$$"

I'd have no idea what to say. None of this matters though because I am still popular. I'm a queen bee and all I had to do...

Change gender and whore myself out.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Sat 17 Jan 2009, 13:44, 2 replies)

I tell jokes...
Usually works quite well. Unfortunately most of the jokes I know are courtesy of b3ta and sickipedia.

A Jewish girl told me she was impossible to offend.

I asked her how many Jews you can fit in a Volkswagen.
I also told her that she was as useful as Anne Franks drum kit.

My Muslim, black, east london housemate. (Who was/is bigger than me)
I asked him what was black and doesn't work.

I blame you!

Amazingly I'm still good friends with both!
(Ginger_Whinger got in the newsletter!! =D, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 13:26, 2 replies)

Everyone was doing it...
...so I shaved my balls.

T'was the best t-bagging session ever!!
( Rolypoly Has decided, by decree, that todays date will be, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 12:54, 1 reply)

It's not what I do to fit in with others...
... It's what they do to fit in with me
(Smaug rocked out with his cock out on:, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 10:29, Reply)

I fit in in most places
despite a strange taste in music (scottish pirate metal) and being a sci-fi fan/conspiracy nut/being referred to as "bill nye" by some people/being into Gmod (still can't master them expression chips or odd way of speaking for RP). but the one place I don't fit in...

is on a bus. I can't stand them, but I have to get 2 every day to get to where I'm going on time. I try to sit near the front (but not too near the front due to old people.) I can't really sit at the back (due to illegal smokers and asthma) so I sit sort of near-the-front-ish. sometimes someone I know gets on and we argue for a bit. bah. good old public transport...

length? well the bus is medium size, so about 29-34 feet.
(venort apparently exists, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 8:41, 9 replies)

Also
I have occasionally pretended that I don't think that about 75% of the people that post on qotw are self-pitying morons.
( MatJ LOOK, Sat 17 Jan 2009, 4:58, 2 replies)

Thankfuly to this day
Nothing.
(waxdart hello., Sat 17 Jan 2009, 2:37, 1 reply)

I gave up sex for gansta rappers!
I work in media and sometimes get to 'work' with a wide variety of VIP's, footballers, celebutards and the Krankies.

It is quite varied and includes everything from writing press releases for nobodies who want to become somebodies that are 100% fake. To having to pick up half naked clients out of the gutter at 3:30 am. To being a 'facilitator' who does everything from pick up coffee and dry cleaning to coke and worse.

On one occasion we were having a bunch of people over from Puff Daddy's label in New York, among them was 50 Cent at the time his rising star prodigy. I didn't have much to do on this one, only arrange for appropriate transport, hotels and entertainment for approx. 20 of them... Now they flew in on Thursday evening and were going back out on Saturday, so as requested I had arranged for them to be on the guest list at a very hot night club with a prepaid bar bill of £15K. I didn't have to do anything else for the duration but not one to miss out on a Friday night for free I put myself +1 down on the list so I could impress a hot little minx with my power (and free drinks).

The Friday came round and I picked up my lady friend and took her for some pre-drink drinks. She was looking hot and being really flirty with me. It was looking like filthy sex was a sure thing.

We caught a taxi to the club but as we stepped out and past the huge line of people waiting to get in there was some sort of fracas going on at the door. I sobered up instantly as I sized up the situation. A REALLY wasted 50 Cent had somehow exited the club and was trying to get back in. He was ranting at the bouncers who weren't having any of it (I wouldn't believe some twat trying to blag their way in either). I could tell that they were about 3 seconds from applying knuckles to his $10 million face. My client was in severe jeopardy.

So what could I do but interject and tell the bouncers that I was on the list and this person was my +1. I watched as my date's face shattered and broke like a cunted mirror.

"Shit!" I thought, "The things I do to get Fiddy in!"



Sorry.
(brycemonkey No fatal accidents since:, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 23:53, 3 replies)

meh!
Well, i grew my fringe really long so I could only see out of one eye (just), bought some uber tight trousers, a fall out boy CD, wrote sh1t poetry and stared at my shoes a lot. But I'm an individual, dammit!

Aside from the ballix tho, I weirdly tend to fit in with everyone anyway! From nerds to chavs to metallers to goths, I get on with most peeps. except for a particular crazy cnut at work (Crapita), but that's for another post....

Length......well I'm a chick so have had plenty ;-)

EDIT: Wish I'd got my butt in gear in time to register for the cougars post - plenty of stories there!
(Honeycomb is a dirty groupie!, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 23:43, 3 replies)

And so it begins
I have been thinking about this weeks QOTW. I see it as limited, there are only so many ways we can basically say "I wanted/needed to feel like I belong and so I did something stupid/some stupid things to get people to like me" only to realise that being yourself is much easier, better and far greater than trying to live up to your own preceived preceptions of other peoples thought processes.

To tell you a small amount about me, I am dyslexic, I have been to about 10 different schools (including unis). This means i am a) innately different and b) throughout my life i have had to make new friends on a regular basis, had to change my environments and adjust. I know no other life and i think i have had a very very good life. Oh and in addition to the above i am fundamently different/weird. I don't know if it is a result of my life or simply "me" but i have an amazing level of empathy. I can literally speak to anyone. A friend of mine, well truth be told someone i went to Uni with, has a server speaking impediment. She coops by doing things like, getting petrol late at night so she can use pump 8, as she knows she can say pump 8. She will normally order fish and chips, as she knows she can say "fish and chips". I know this from 2 or 3 conversations with her, out of, well not that many really. I discovered she finds it hard to speak about her speach problem with pretty much most people. Yet i found myself having these in deepth conversations with her, where you wouldn't know she stammered very very badly. As i said i don't know if this is nature or nuture.

I do know, however, that throughout my life i have done stupid things to fit in. I learnt the hard way, many many times. I think my parents would question if i actually learnt at all. To be myself.

I am now in my very late 20's and i know this. Be yourself. If you can't be yourself and love yourself (this does not including hand to gland combat) then who can?

I know this is really not that funny. Who can laugh that much at this level of honesty? Heck I am pretty sure the bulk of people on here are different and special. I count myself amongst them.

Anyways i have beer to be drinking.

StyX
(StyX is staring at you, yes YOU!!!, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 23:34, 4 replies)

Simple enough
In my first year of secondary school...I was so bad at football that I had to 'bribe' the other guys (with bits from my packed lunch!) into letting me play...I was such a fucking wimp...

They used to fight over the frube...
( Extinct Jesus Dossier "...I think it counteracts Hitler's magic...", Fri 16 Jan 2009, 22:49, 5 replies)

sometimes i'm an idiot
i've had a hell of an evening. a friend and I were just in the pub not drinking unfortunatley, work in the morning. booo! when a group of irish guys asked if they could join us. we dont mind the company so we said yes and got chatting to them. They are hear on a working holiday and wanted to go out, we told them a few good places in the area and they asked us if we wanted to come out with them. now, these guys were old enough to be my dad the youngest asked for my friends number and she quite happily gave it to him then one of the older boys asked for mine and in some sort of awkward weird and i suppose a kind of attempt to fit in with my mate i gave him it.

not long after he told me to come back to his hotel room so we could shag and he'd drop me off at work in the morning. i pretended not to understand his irish accent and made my excuses to go out for a fag where we escaped out of the beer garden gate.
i hear some of you saying why didnt i just go for it, he's an older man, he's got experience. well he's hurrendusly ugly and sounded desperate and a bit thick. maybe if i'd actually had a proper drink in me i'd have told him to fuck off in the first place.
now i'm being textually harrassed. time to fone the network provider me thinks!
(fernbrittonsexcessskin will give a shit later, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 22:41, Reply)

Things we do to fit in
I weighed about 240 pounds when I was 16 or so. I lost about 60 pounds in the next year, came back to school in skinny pants, and none of my classmates recognized me. Wow! So I grew my hair, big sideboards, and went to work in a "hippy" clothing store.

Trouble is, no hippies would be caught dead in "hippy" clothing. They just wore grubby jeans, T-shirts and bandanas.

I, on the other hand, wore the stuff that we sold, including flowered shirts, vertically-striped bell-bottom pants, and fringed leather vests. A fellow student that I once hung out with called me a "fucking transvestite." He had to say this at the top of his lungs in the corridor of our school.

Needless to say, I ditched all of this "hippy" shit, and retrenched to grubby jeans, T-shirts and bandanas, as the creator intended.
(Just a stub, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 21:27, 1 reply)

It seems so wrong
But I try and sound like a chavvy scouse twat.(hear me out..)

You see the problem is I'm from the south of the Wirral (google it if you've never heard of it), which is more or less Chesire. Therefore, my accent is relatively posh(although other factors like both my parents going to boarding school might not have helped). Unfortunately, I'm schooled in the north of the Wirral, which (as I've mentioned before) is the shit that even Liverpool doesn't want.

SO, when I was at school I'd get stick for my accent, since while they had 'like' at the end of every word, I spoke properly, and made funny sounds for the vowels. Thus, in my desperate attempts to fit in, I've forced my accent to become more scouse. It makes me feel dirty and wrong, but at least I'm still mildly respected.

Length? Doesn't matter, a scouse lass will still have it.
(violent pacifist ;now with 20% more paradox...., Fri 16 Jan 2009, 20:56, Reply)

A few suggestions
Squalid pub: Fetid Inn
Twins deafened by the ultrasound scan: Feti Din
Grossly obese professor at Oxford: Fatty Don
Epileptic Dandy star: Fitty Dan
Chubby woman golfer: Fat, Teed Anne
Handsome cheese: Fit Edam
Cockney tailoring: Fitted 'Im

I'll take a modest 10% of clicks for any long, implausible stories ending with any of these.
(ubergeekian, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 20:30, Reply)

Joined B3ta.
Posted on /qotw. Thought I was cool.
(Tiktock Beating off flamers with a shitty stick, Fri 16 Jan 2009, 20:12, 4 replies)

Fashion.....
This is just a general one about fashion and societies general obsession with everyone fitting into an ocular envelope, or group.

I mean, I don’t really get fashion, which is a surprise really as I’m such a hip, happening and cool mother fucker. But, seriously, who is brandishing the fashion orders? And more importantly, who is continuing to helplessly obey them like a nodding Churchill dog?

It’s all bollocks, in my opinion fashion is just a stupid visual system created by people with no personality in order to communicate with other personality redundant lemmings. There are pricks walking around in silly hats, pointy shoes, and trousers thinner than McDonalds straws, all in the name of fashion. Emo’s, Goths, Trendies, Chav’s etc etc, essentially people with no securities or oneness, who have to re-create themselves to feel part of a group or to be accepted.

The worse cunts though are the cool kids. I go to many gigs and have reviewed for a music magazine for the past couple of years as a bit of a hobby. Fuck me, I have met some tits during this period. In particular the ‘cool kids’ who label themselves ‘Indie’ which when I last checked means they consider themselves to be individual and are not bided by others or influenced by opinions, scenes or movements. This is the caper these ‘cool kids’ give me anyway. One chap in particular gave me this spiel, yet, how this guy, or the rest of his chums were different was anyone’s guess. You know the type, long straightened hair, jeans tight enough to give you an hernia, shades bigger than his face, pointy brogues, cigarette in mouth, probably thinks Banksy is a genius, and he most probably has a degree in Textiles or art, or something similarly fucking useless, yet his opinion is more valued than mine because he has an insignificant degree and I don’t. They all speak, look and share the same fucking opinion, therefore, they are not individuals.

Anyway, this guy continued to nark me, and his ignorance was unprecedented. We started talking about going bald. You know what he said? Note, at this point he had been talking about global economic systems, capitalism and ignorance and a whole load of other shit he had probably read in a book, heard on the news or got told by someone with an actual opinion, of which was far greater than mine of course, all of which was complete and utter shit but his mates looked on in admiration. Anyway, he said at this point, and I quote ‘If I ever went bald, I would just get me some tight jeans, some doctor martins, some braces and shave the rest off my hair off, and dress like a punk, I reckon that would look cool.’ I fucking snapped at this point, and tried to explain to this individual of great individuality and opinion that punk was not about the clothes you wore, it was a movement created by people who all felt lost in the world and punk was there to bind them together, not through fashion but through music and the movement that was created. What a fucking cunt. I was drunk at this point so I called him one, and stated that that’s my opinion, so it probably won’t offend him as it’s obviously not valid as I don’t have an arts degree or something similarly wank.

I suppose the general thing I’m trying to say is, I don’t get why people have to dress a particular way to feel a part of something. You don’t join the army to wear the uniform do you?

I suppose it doesn’t help when you have got tit prodders like Trinny and Susanna constantly telling you not what to wear, and that Gok Won arsehole mincing around your tv screen showing you how to look good naked.
(Sir_Digby_Chicken_Caeser [email protected], Fri 16 Jan 2009, 19:12, 15 replies)