Found...
I've found a lot of things in my life, but recently, I found something most important. I found myself.


This year is my first year at uni. Having a girl back home, I was not exactly social, preferring to think that I was honoring her by secluding myself. The catch was, my schedule was so busy that I had no time to spare to call her, and she resented it. She became more and more angry, not at all like the girl I knew. When I would return for my visits, she would seem ok, but invariably we'd end up arguing.

I knew what I had to do.

But knowing and doing are two different things. Having the same girlfriend for 5 years tends to breed a certain involuntary dependency on said person. I waffled, and agonized over the inevitable decision I would have to make for two weeks. During this time, the changes in our relationship were apparent to everyone. Not knowing how to bring up the subject, I quietly pretended like everything was ok.

Fate, it seems, knew what it was doing. When she and I finally had the chance to be alone, she brought up our relationship, and that her parents felt it would be best if we “took a break” a while. I saw this as my chance, and I told her all of what I was thinking. I have never had strong ties to my hometown, as I've always been a bit cold towards my family thanks to the blatant favoritism they show to my sibling. This girl was my one tie to my home. Sitting there, words began to tumble out, less eloquently and coherently than I would have liked, but they were out.

Silence, followed by her tears tore my heart out. I felt like I could die. I told her I loved her, told her I thought we needed space, and left the door open for the future. But I felt like a part of me had died.

I climbed out of her car, and left. I loved her, I was hurt, but I intended to fix our relationship if I could. My head was full of grandiose ideas of chivalry, and love, and life. And then I realized what I had done. My “security blanket” was gone, and I was alone.

At first, it seemed like hell. I was depressed, and hurt. I felt horrible for hurting her, and I realized that I didn't want to end it like that.

I tried to make amends, I tried to apologize, and I'm not even sure for what I was apologizing. No matter what I did, though, it was thrown in my face. I was hurt, and confused; this was the girl I thought I loved. She has had a hard life, with various men in her life abusing her, so I tried to explain everything she did away, but it still hasn't faded. We agreed at the time of the split to try and get back together over Christmas break, but now I hesitate. I'm not sure if she'll forgive me. Even if she does, I know things will never be the same between us.

After the shock and pain had subsided, I looked at my time, and my life differently. I was alone, but I was happy. Happy that I had no one to answer to, happy that I could spend my time how I chose. She was not a bloodsucker or control freak by any means, but it's amazing how different my life became after all the drama faded away. I can make my own decisions now about how I spend my time without feeling like I was neglecting her.

I can pursue the things that interest me; I can take jobs and internships that pay well. I can use this time to be a little selfish and enjoy my life. I can be free.

I lost something the day of the breakup, but I found something too. I found myself.




*pop*
(DarkSol, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 19:43, 5 replies)

* click *
( rofl harris, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 22:29, closed)

Great first post
*click*
( chart cat has an itch, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 5:36, closed)

Great first post indeed.
Welcome.

*click*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 7 Nov 2008, 8:13, closed)

Very brave post,
Finding oneself is a wonderful feeling. I know because I too have been on a journey that others told me was selfish and yet it saved my life.

clicks...
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Sun 9 Nov 2008, 21:10, closed)

Seconded
or it that fithed.

Very eloquently written.

Click for you.
(AndyC4m Eject Eject [><], Wed 12 Nov 2008, 11:07, closed)