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This is a question Stuff I've found

Freddy Woo writes, "My non-prostitute-killing, lorry driving uncle once came home with a wedding cake. Found it in a layby, scoffed the lot over several weeks."

What's the best thing you've found?

(, Thu 6 Nov 2008, 11:58)
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This question is now closed.

(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 15:06, 1 reply)
I've found
no one doing that last thing this week! Hurrah!

I have no other stories about finding things off the top of my head...

*Looks up*

I spoke too soon...
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 14:47, Reply)
I found...
An odd thing on the floor. Thought it was a bit of dried mud brought in on someones shoe. So picked it up to throw it in the bin. Then realised it was a wee lizard flattened by the cat.. eeeeeeww!
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 14:42, Reply)
I saw this
on the menu at the Fat Duck last week

Stuffed eye fondue £12.99
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 14:20, 8 replies)
I've found that since sitting opposite my boss for the last couple of weeks, I can't swear and talk as cruedly as normal. bastards
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:54, 4 replies)
I found...
that there is no pun too tenuous to be used in the QOTW.


As the Good Book says, 'the greater the knowledge, the greater the sorrow'.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:40, Reply)
I found
A used and 'filled' condom. Wasn't nice. Was worse when I felt the need to pick it up and throw it away - why didn't I think of using a tissue rather than my bare hand?
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:23, 3 replies)
My kids once found a big block of cannabis
near the Sun Centre in Rhyl.

They came across a handbag and being an upstanding citizen I told them that we must hand it in at the police station.

We had a look inside, as you do, and found all the owner's benefit books for her several kids, a ransacked-looking purse and, well,
'Whats this, Mum?'
'Erm, that's called cannabis...'

It was all marked out ready to sell.

How sad - I had to hand the lot in, including the weed, even though the owner would be arrested when she turned up.

I did feel sorry, not for her, but for her kids.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:20, 2 replies)
Last night…

I found somebody ploughing into the side of my car as I drove round a roundabout.

It was 100% their fault. They were in the wrong lane and just drove into me. But unfortunately, there wasn’t a lot I could do about it as I was a bit over the limit, so I just drove home.

Fuck knows how much the repairs are going to cost me.

Bloody poetic justice eh?

EDIT: after re-reading the post , I feel I should clarify that the other driver was in a car, not a plough. However, it felt at the time as if they were driving a goddam combine harvester.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:17, 38 replies)
I found
That we don't have a new QOTW.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:14, Reply)
I found
That you can spend all bloody day trying to get the last post.

That is all.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:06, Reply)
The other day I found a fantastic, top-of-the-range, 10 speed bike.

Worth about £500 I reckon.

I couldn’t believe my luck! – There it was, just lying in the road…

Next to a dead cyclist.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 13:03, 3 replies)
Ooooh, a real one
I once found a note written to my then girlfriend by some bloke she'd previously cheated on me with. Turns out they were still shagging and writing mini novels about how good it was.

Why, you might ask, would this qualify as the *best* thing I've found?

Well, it made me feel a lot less guilty about having just boinked my boss :-)
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:35, Reply)
Imagine my wank-a-riffic delight…

When I discovered that there really is such a thing as this software company

I decided to celebrate the completion of my final pun with a wonderful Oriental meal…

And called it the Stir Fry Vound

It's a victory...but a hollow, pitiful victory.

(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:27, 6 replies)
I found that....
... beating them with a shitty stick really does keep the girls away.

.. Life was *so* hard before that discovery...
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:23, Reply)
Erm...some resaerch company called the Society for Technological Umbrellas and Filibersters Federation.
That was the S.T.U.F.F I found.

Bah, I concede.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:18, Reply)
*receives gauntlet*

I have an incredible ability…

My pupil, cornea & Iris etc are virtually indestructible. Impervious to pain and with the possibility of helping mankind, I promised sincerely to donate my miracle to science on my death…

Then I thought…’nah, bollocks to that’

So I suppose…

It……’s tough eye vow end

The barrel which I am prepared to scrape has literally no bottom…kind of like Emma Griffiths…
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:14, 1 reply)
Rowley's office times.
Once had employee mumble mumble terrible accident mumble mumble eyeball went flying mumble mumble rolled under table mumble mumble. Paramedics Shocked mumble mumble ocular trauma blah visual organ missing mumble mumble local newspaper mumble.

Office Kitty mumble Fluffeh mumble eyeball in mouth mumble mumble.

Staff-eye found!

mumble Huzzah mumble

I'm afraid I was very veery drunk.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:08, Reply)
he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock he is a cock cock v
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:04, 22 replies)
I found
A pamphlet explaining this rare medical condition where an excess of starch in the human body can cause the sufferer to have difficulty in moving their eyes. The number of cases has trebled in 2 years.

A chartity has been set up called the Stiff Eye Fund.

EDIT: Anyone would think we're getting near the end of the QOTW
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:03, Reply)
I manage a group of helpdesk guys, they're like, well, "my staff". I also help out with the payroll, if you like, I "fund" them in a way.

I like to think of them as my colleagues.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:02, 2 replies)
At an early age...
.. I discovered the joy of Ejaculation.
.. I subsequently discovered that you come less the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, etc times...
.. And that it was possible to make your cock so sore that it swells up.....
.. and that the term "Wank 'til you bleed" actually has basis in solid bloody fact.
.. and that "All Day Wank" is a term that can be used with full accuracy.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 12:01, 2 replies)
Has Branscombe beach been mentioned yet?
It was plunderfest down this way when the container ship Napoli ran aground and spilled its contents.

50 BMW motorbikes were removed from containers that were washed up. Now that's a find and a half.

(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:58, Reply)
1, 2, 3, 4 I declare a pun war!
It's a little known fact that Bono's real name is actually Hamish McSnuff, who was born and raised in a small Scottish town. He first got noticed singing improv on the mic just messing about in the Dog and Duck before his older brother, Kiki Dee, came on to play that night's setlist.

Yep, he was the Star Fife Found.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:58, Reply)
As soon as anyone new starts work in my office…

I cover them in little icons, ply them with gadgets (which I’ll never use) and proceed to prod them with my finger.

And that’s the ‘staff iphoned’...

Bindun? I'll get my coat anyway.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:50, Reply)
I found...
that it is actually possible to get yourself an inch-long gash on your big toe from the smooth surface of a swimming pool.

Or at least it is, if you're me.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:44, Reply)
ouch, apparantly
I'd got a new bloke, and he was lovely, treated me well, despite the fact that I'd dragged him home from a nightclub and jumped on him.. The sex was awesome, but I did have a tendancy to treat it as if it were an audition, and after a few nights, I thought that I'd exhausted most of the things that I knew.
So when I was at work, in the local pub, I found myself clearing out the bond/storeroom, where all the spirits were kept. There were all sorts of obscure liquors, including a beautiful green bottle of Creme de Menthe. I remembered that I'd read in a book, that Creme de Menthe would have a pleasant, tingly effect on a gentleman's gentleman.. so I asked my boss and took it home, telling him that I'd like it for an experiment...

That night, we were at my house, getting all naked and sweaty on the sofa, I reached the bottle, took a swig, swilled and swallowed, then applied myself judiciously to a pink oboe solo.

My swain jumped to his feet faster than I'd ever seen him move before, and whimpering, he fled to the bathroom, in order to irrigate his startled, and now stinging member...

Yes I found that Creme de Menthe isn't pleasant and tingly. It "stings like a bastard"!

Later I also found the book, I'd read it in. It was a James Herbert scarey book...

Luckily the man of the moment can also laugh about it now..
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:42, 4 replies)
I have recently set up a business…

Selling specialist highly-trained security guard dogs to local shops.

I didn’t want to get too attached to the animals before I sold them, so I just allocated them businesslike ‘asset’ names, to do with where they were going to work, and an appropriate number

‘Shop One Dog’ was sold straight away – didn’t miss him at all.

‘Stall Two Pup’ was for a fruit and veg stall – off he went.

‘Market Three Mutt’ – was a great dog, and it was with sadness that I sold him.

‘Trading Unit Four Pooch’ tugged at my heartstrings when I passed him to his new owners.

But I grew so fond of the last one…that instead of selling him to the Local Tesco, I decided to keep him…so now I have a new pet…and that’s the ‘Store Five Hound’
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:36, 3 replies)
Just remembered...
My Czech mate (ooh...dodgy chess pun there) and me went to see the England v Czech Republic game at Wembley the other month.

Much alcohol was consumed, powdered goodness inhaled and we found ourselves back at King's Cross waiting for the train home.

While waiting, we wandered around the mostly abandoned station (it was about 2am) and found:

- A bike seat
- A Chip and Pin machine
- Case of mineral water (warm)
- Bundle of newspapers

So, you have 2 blokes - one in an England shirt, one in a Czech Rep. shirt looking definitely dodgy on CCTV carrying our haul around when as we round a corner, we spy a couple of coppers about 200 yards away coming towards us. "Ruh roh," we said, "Best get rid of this lot..." and so we did, then sauntered along looking VERY innocent.

Now, bearing in mind my mate also had a HUGE Czech flag draped around his shoulders and there was no-one else about, and these coppers were obviously looking for us (we could hear their radios as they got closer), to our surprise they never even looked at us - just walked past*

We hid outside the station until it was time to sneak onto the train.

* "These aren't the droids you're looking for" moment if ever I had one.
(, Thu 13 Nov 2008, 11:31, Reply)

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