I wrote an album.
As a shitty little second year pupil, nothing gave me more pleasure than annoying and offending people (not much has changed). So I picked up my brother's guitar, wrote some poorly rhymed lyrics about teachers and pupils in our school.

These were the worst songs you've ever heard. There was my bland East Anglican accent on top of a few poorly strummed and out of time power chords. Most of them were just joke songs with random words, in a weak immitation of the Monty Python's humor - as everyone tries to do when they're 13.

After letting a few mates listen to these when they came over, they suggested that I should sell them.

Being a greedy bastard, I eagerly burnt the 21 songs onto a CD and sold them each for £3 each to mates and eventually people who I didn't know who'd heard the album.

I made £40 profit, and as an early teenager, this is big bucks.
But there was a dark side.

The albums grew in popularity in two groups: the stoner community who hailed me for making such "trippy" songs and anyone who hated those mentioned in my compostions. There were only 12 - 15 copies, but they were being passed around. For two weeks, they gained a cult following. I was in no control of who heard them. My mates would rush up to me, exuberantly announcing theyd played it to their entire class, including teacher. I had no idea of who hadn't heard it.

The brief fame was not at all enjoyable. I had to shy away from most people and teachers the songs were, on the off chance that they'd heard it. Every time a teacher would come up to me, I'd pray that they wouldn't mention it.

Most did.

But I was surprised. The staff liked it. In fact, they thought it was great (a couple even bough the copy of the album). This came as a shock to me, the realisation that pupils are not alone in despising certain teachers. In most cases, those who alienate their pupils, do the same to their colleagues. And luckily the school pupils I'd also mocked saw the funny side.

But that wasn't it. Another mate passed the CD to the local radio station and some others peer pressured me on to the stage to perform the more offensive songs in front of the entire town... including countless teachers, possibly including those ridiculed in my lyrics. But still, I was safe after a few more weeks of worrying about the consequences.

I was safe. I'd got away with it, and was £40 up. My get rich quick scheme had worked, at the expense a month or so full of nervousness and anxiety.

Length? Despite the 21 tracks, it was only 23 mins long.
( Butters and his titanium codsocket, Tue 5 Aug 2008, 18:27, Reply)