Oh holy crap.
Time and Time ago a somewhat older Chum of mine had children, a daughter and a son. I used to stay out of their way as far as possible because having an enthusiastic four year old run face first into your kneecaps is painful and inconvenient. But in general I was aware that there were small children about the place.
Fast forward a decade or so, I'm hanging out with a lovely lass who in addition to being mouthwateringly attractive and enthusiastic in most of the places that matter* also has the clever thinky brain and teaches maths.
Chum's daughter could do with a little extra help in the sums department so an arrangement is made and Best Beloved teaches her in exchange for pictures of the Queen.
More years pass, and a party is held at Chum's place, wine flows, cheese is eaten in quantity, and for some reason tequilla slammers are perpetrated in the increasingly loud and chaotic kitchen.
I choose this point to head outside for air.
Where I discover that the "young people" are having their own separate party in gazebo in the garden, relaxing on rugs, smoking slightly illicit rollies and talking about where they're headed for university.

A pretty girl is lying face down on a rug, one foot at the end of a long shapely leg kicking idling in the air as she expounds to a friend regarding some variety of utter nonsense.
The wind picks up just a little. A single errant zephyr with mischief on its mind scampers over the garden, carving swirling patterns into the long grass and playfully flicking the hem of her short skirt up over her back at the very same moment that she shifts position a little on the rug in an attempt to get more comfortable.

Perception kicked all my mental recording gear into high def, time slowed to a crawl, and a smile began to drift over my face as I took in the view.
Long Long legs, leading the eye towards the lightly tanned cheeks of a beautifully shaped behind. Firm, inviting, and entirely unfettered by lace, cotton, nylon or indeed anything at all. Causing my my eyebrows to leap into action and parts of my brain to start making very urgent suggestions regarding evolutionary biology and fitness functions.

Whole real world seconds pass, the girl apparently oblivious to her situation and still blithley talking bollocks to her chum. Clearly though she's enjoying the sensation of the light breeze over her most intimate crevices. She shifts again. Back arching just a little, making the sight of her even more delectable and, alas causing a less restrained friend to reach out and lightly pat her on the bot.
Which of course causes her to glance over her shoulder with a look of surprised amusement that rapidly turns to shock, and finally to that resigned expression that conveys clearer than any words "Can't make it any worse now..."

She rolls over, carefully pulls her legs in and stands up. Stalking away from her giggling friends with theatrical hauteur. She walks towards the door of the house where she glances over towards me and I finally get a good look at her face.

Of course it's my chum's daughter. The girl I've watched growing up over the last 19 years...

Memory flickers through nearly two decades at breathtaking speed.
Images of the girl in her romper suit, in her first school uniform, in an appalling princess dress for a school play, in her next school uniform...
All now overlaid with the image of a her long long legs parted a little to show just a hint of gorgeously kissable snatch between.

I'm entirely old enough to be her father, in only slightly different circumstances I might have been her father.

I am _so_ going to Hull...

*Best Beloved is a yogurt weaving veggie, bacon sarnies are harder to come by
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 12:30, 30 replies)

a click
if only for the term 'gorgeously kissable snatch'.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 12:43, closed)

It is a problem.
My niece, who I have known since she was 11 (wifes sisters daughter), is now an absolutely breathtaking 24 year old, given to posting endless photos of herself in bikinis on her Facebook page.

I still kind of think of her as a gawky kid, but something in my primitive brain knows full well she isn't.
(username failed moderation, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 12:45, closed)

Ok now that's kinda weird.

(The Luggage is haunted..., Fri 8 Jun 2012, 13:57, closed)

What's wierd
about it?
(username failed moderation, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:47, closed)

this post and replies are a whole WORLD of creepy.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:02, closed)

this has got AB fail archive written all over it

(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:10, closed)

Indeed
He's late
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:14, closed)

it's ok, i've gazzed him.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:22, closed)

and screencapped it.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:24, closed)

and told the police.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:24, closed)

Awww.
Aren't you sweet, doing all that for an old man.

I've got a big sack of puppies over here.
Climb inside and you can have one for your very own.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:30, closed)

does it have a pink wet nose?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:35, closed)

Hmm
Probably not by now, they've been in there since 1978...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:38, closed)

probably in crayon.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:21, closed)

It's fine because I don't have any kids of my own
or relatives younger than 30.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:11, closed)

ah, the Glitter Defence.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 14:19, closed)

I'm researching a book.

( Pig Bodine., Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:30, closed)

ah, the Townshend Defence.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:43, closed)

You know how things become self fulfilling?
Or is it irony? Not sure, but I have to say that Janet has reached the stage where she is two things;

1. The person most likely to be sneering and scoffing at other peoples posts.

2. The person whose opinion means the least to anybody, except maybe Rory.

The more she says, the less it's worth.

Anyway, keep it up chubby cheeks, this is important work you're doing.
(username failed moderation, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:22, closed)

tell it to your ignore button, fucko.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:44, closed)

Calm down dear
Remember your condition...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:50, closed)

is being a retarded troll a condition?

(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 11:49, closed)

I don't need a button to ignore
people.

I'd miss the funny stuff if I did that.
(username failed moderation, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 16:18, closed)

Plagarist

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:34, closed)

..?
[Citation needed]

Because that is 100% of truth, except for the bit about her getting neatly to her feet. Poor lass scrambled upwards like she'd sat on a nettle.
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 15:46, closed)

Time was, a story like this would have had a whole horde of b3tans,
queueing up to all you a nonce.
And now, it's just janet. How times have changed (ooh, topical)
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 20:19, closed)

I love you, you fool.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Fri 8 Jun 2012, 23:35, closed)

Yeah, he's still a nonce, and so are all you lot.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 11:15, closed)

(Clear's throat)
I believe, at this point, that the reply should be along the lines of:-

"Your mum's a nonce"

Would that be sufficient for you ?

Jolly good...
( DukeEuphoria Comes highly reccomended, Tue 12 Jun 2012, 11:47, closed)

Username's reply was the really scary one
Made my skin crawl
( Ungersven would support SpankyHanky's patreon, Sat 9 Jun 2012, 20:48, closed)